Voice Impressions

We all do them from time to time whether imitating a star of stage and screen or an ill-willed acquaintance. Either way, the important thing to remember is that unless you are one of the lucky few, your impression is probably not only wrong in terms of accuracy of the quote, but even more so in the way it is presented. Your ability to sound exactly like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura is not received in the same way you are imagining it in your head. What I hear on my end is simply a higher decibel of your normal voice while you make a strange “O” shape with your mouth.

There was a good three to four years that passed where you could walk into any college-scene bar or party and hear the impressions of Will Farrell and Vince Vaughn, maybe a little Luke Wilson here and there placed awkwardly into drunken conversations. The problem is, these impressions found their way into sober conversations as well.

That is all, just an FYI.

Adventures in Wonderland

3-D balloon-style letters of varying colors pinwheel across the screen as babies of the 80’s, kids of the 90’s found a comfortable chair. Rabbits on roller blades, you heard of ‘em right?

In the mid 90’s there was a TV show on the Disney Channel that paved the way for reality television. Wait, no it didn’t. But it was good, and I wish there was a way to purchase seasons. The show was called Adventures in Wonderland, obviously centering around a girl named Alice that lived in the “real” world and would jump into her mirror when times got tough. Through the looking glass, she was dropped into a world of madness, one where giant rabbits wore roller blades and full padding, constantly crashing into things. Alice’s daily adventures would often center around a real problem, and would take on a lesson-learning feel as she completed the fable.

I feel like there was a cat involved, in the real world segment, that Alice would complain to about her issues. It’s make-believe counterpart may have been the Cheshire Cat. You’re racking you brain I’m sure, trying to remember the show. Her problems seemed to be related to goings-on at school, her little brother, or older sister.

There were other memorable characters, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum wore thick gold chains (probably Turkish gold with a 30” band) and did some rapping. The rabbit was basically the Queen of Hearts’ B*tch and sometimes was up to no good, although he was usually helpful to Alice as he cringed when given assignments from the Queen, who although was relatively good, was very selfish. The Mad Hatter was a hoot, always playing guitars and carrying on about un-birthdays. I remember he had a funny hair-do and maybe a lisp? I also think there might have been some fake beards and giant rubber noses involved in his costumes. His inventions, usually wacky machines that make no sense at first glance, often got Alice and the citizens of Wonderland out of trouble.

I remember a mouse, but it wasn’t hugely out of proportion like the others, it may have been a puppet. This guy just seemed to be annoying.

All in all, this was a great show to settle down and watch because it made you think. It made you think, “shoot, I really hope computers get better at making ballooned fonts.” I believe it was accompanied by Underneath the Umbrella Tree and Avonlea and don’t think it ran past ’95 or so. 

Do Not Solicit cheaptickets.com For Your Travel!

Boycott www.cheaptickets.com

Type in discount air fares into a search engine like Google or Yahoo, and you will be presented with the option to purchase travel from Cheap Tickets.

I have to advise against this. I was baited into purchasing a vacation package to fabulous Las Vegas because Cheap Tickets drew the best deal on a trip locator site. Looking for a fun weekend getaway over Valentines Day/Presidents Day weekend, I accepted the terms and booked the trip for FEBRUARY 13-FEBRUARY 16. As a gentleman, I won’t discuss price, but it was a decent amount of money, but for a great trip.

A perk of living in the 21^st century is email confirmations. Moments after my Visa was deducted, a confirmation arrived to me via email alerting me that my trip was booked for FEBRUARY 13-FEBRUARY 16 . I have this in writing. I printed it out, put it in my folder, and left the office feeling very excited. Here’s the kicker, this was a surprise trip for my girlfriend Monica. I told her we were going some where around 70 degrees and that was it. We were both super excited and could hardly wait ‘till Friday the 13, or departure date.

On February 10, the Tuesday before the trip, I logged into Cheap Tickets to confirm one last time, our trip details. Well friends I got a sick feeling in my stomach, I rapidly spreading sweat, and pulsating heat in my face. These are bodily signs that let us know we are about to get FURIOUS! My itinerary was now reading the departure date of MARCH 13 and the return date of MARCH 16. Some time over the last two weeks, my reservations had changed to be a whole month later. A month later that was not on Valentines Day, and did not stretch over the Presidents Day holiday, which made it impossible for me to accept those flight dates.

Quickly grabbing my Samsung I dialed customer service for a resolution. Nothing doing. The customer service rep at Cheap Tickets was definitely in another country and spoke the language of the sands. His only offer, other than cancelling my trip and receiving 10% of what I had paid for it, was to change the dates to February, and pay a $1,145.00 rebooking fee, which didn’t even include my hotel reservations because the Paradise Tower of the Tropicana was booked.

So here we are on February 11, 2009, two days before my girlfriend and I should be boarding a jet to Vegas, and none of that will be happening. Despite my best efforts, only $83 will be returned to me. I sent a letter to the corporate office hoping that might do something, but it is unlikely.

I have to advise those reading, please, do not book with Cheap Tickets. Don’t be lured in by the lower than average fares, rather, laugh when you see them, knowing full well that they are a hoax, and move on to bigger, better, slightly more expensive things.

-Kyle

Top 25

You may or may not have seen the “25 things” questionnaires going around Facebook. If you haven’t, watch the national news, it has even been on there…not just Facebook, the 25 interesting/uninteresting facts thing. I filled one out, but would like a do-over. Not really a do-over I guess, but I would like to do a quick top-25 list here regarding the things I hope to do, or dream to do, at some point in my remaining 75-80 years (I am an optimist).

 

1. I want to go looking for the Lost Dutchman Mine. I may not find the gold, but wandering around the Superstition Mountains sounds like a good time to me.

 

2. Get straight, even, white teeth. I have got them pretty cleaned up to where they are some what white, now I need to get Invisalign. Basically I want to look like one of those ventriloquist dummies.

 

 

3. Run the Boston Marathon. Simple as that.

 

4. See The Cos (my little brother) walk around, possibly kite-board. In the very least, “kick of his shoes and dance” as a get well card so eloquently described.

 

 

5. Have a quiver of about 8 boards and live in a place where I can ride them all (now, 10 years from now, or any time as long as I can stand)

 

6. I need to ride in a chartered flight from Orlando to Key West. After arriving in Key West I need to get a hotel room on Duncan St. and head into Captain Tony’s. After that, I will need to attend a small venue Jimmy Buffett performance. All this would be done with the Boyguna crew and Monica of course!

 

 

7. I want a dog named Derek, preferably a Husky.

 

8. I want to open a surf shop called Boyguna with my main coo Brian Boyer. It will start out as a shop and evolve into a complex. There is nothing like it in existence today, but there will be tomorrow.

 

 

9. Interrupt an academic lecture with some recent important findings that disprove conventional thought…like in National Treasure 2.

 

10. I want to go into a sound-proof, zero light, room with a small hot tub. The hot tub will be filled with water about 97 degrees with a heavy salt concentrate. I want to lay in the pitch black with no noise and be super buoyant. I have had this dream since 6^th grade when I heard these things existed.

 

 

11. I want to get married without a bowtie, even though I really like bowties.

 

12. At some point, I want to be affiliated with the Walt Disney Company, other than just being a shareholder.

 

 

13. I want to go in a shark cage. Just for a second.

 

14. Obviously, I want to go to space.

 

 

15. I want a super car. Not sure which one right now, but when I am ready to buy, I will know.

 

16. I need a robot. A robot capable of helping out around the house, taking Derek for a walk, and welcoming people to Boyguna.

 

 

17. I would like to see the Holy Land some day.

 

18. There are 3 things I want to fly in: SR71 Black Bird, Concorde, and a private jet…in that order.

 

 

19. I want to see Ireland and Sweden

 

20. Win a fisticuffs battle with a wild animal. Bare hands. No rules…except no groin shots. Also, not to the death.

 

 

21. Sky dive solo

 

22. Play a game of ice hockey with some close friends

 

 

23. I want a desk in my home office replicated from the Resolute Desk.

 

24. Write a book (there are a number of subjects I would like to speak on)

 

 

25. And the main dream…the ability to freeze time, or just be a sorcerer, one of the two.

 

So there you have it. What are some things you want to do?

Extra! Extra!

I had a dream last night that I was running a newspaper and that instead of having columnists, editors, designers, and illustrators working for me, it was a solo deal. A one man newspaper staff I was, and I was the sole paper in this huge city. The dream later turned into a situation where I was building a fort out of the office chairs, which for some reason there were like 50 even though I was the only employee. None the less, when I awoke this morning newspapers have been on my mind, hence the previous post. I wonder, if I wrote a paper today, what would the headlines be? What would I think the citizens of the USA need to know?

See the above picture!

 

• Online Gaming and YouTube: a breeding ground for anonymous racism?

This article would reveal the horribly racist/prejudice virtual attacks taking place via our cable connections. Children as young (based on tone and pitch of their voices) as 12 are shouting racist and prejudices obscenities when they become frustrated with their poor skill levels in games such as Call of Duty for the PS3. When questioned about their knowledge of the KKK, the common group they associate with via clan tag, they resort in using language making them look even more ignorant, if possible. Clearly these are kids with very poor educations and probably idiot parents. As far as YouTube is concerned, it is the same thing, only written via text. YouTube anonymous racism seems to be practiced by an older age group than those on Call of Duty, but most of the postings are either unwarranted rants or copy-and-paste jobs from their favorite internet sites.

 

• West Oakland, a Pedestrian Wonderland

Concentrating on the growing disregard for motor vehicles the citizens of this town have, this article will likely feature pictures catching perps in the act followed by a funny joke. It will be an on-the-scene narration regarding the dangers of driving your car in WO. It is dangerous because these clowns walk at the speed of a 90 year-old woman yet have no problem picking up a brick and chucking it at your window if you honk or give them a dirty look. While the brick thing may not have happened to the reporter (me) I have seen loose bricks on the sidewalks, broken glass, and clowns. You do the math. If you are on foot in WO, you have access to sidewalks, bike lanes, the lanes originally reserved for cars, and the center divides. You can C-walk from the docks to Jack London Square if you wanted to, but it is likely one of the half eaten sandwiches in the garbage will steal your attention some where along the way.

 

• NBC’s The Office Writing Staff Takes a Nap

This article would have no basis in fact, on account that I can’t be positive the staff is taking a nap. But it seems like it. Maybe they are upset that 40 Rock has been in the limelight for the past year, or it could be the fact that people just aren’t as interested in the show without Packer? It is tough to say why the writers aren’t creating enough eps to run one each week of the season. Oh, you are showing an hour (approx. 40 min) ep the week after the Super Bowl? Big deal, I would rather see two different episodes than one longer one. Also, didn’t you guys do like five-hour long shows at the beginning of last season? This article is just a rant, we have to be critical of our favorite shows, we don’t want them to lose their luster.

 

• Somali Pirates Surrender to the Dutch

What’s important here, is the clout of the capturers. The Dutch Navy made PIRATES surrender? Wow this era sucks.

 

• Rosanne and Rosie, Where Are they?

This may not actually make the paper. But if it did, it would detail the facts regarding a case where they both mysteriously disappeared. Hopefully this happens soon and someone else will report on it.

 

• Obama Hip-Bumps High School Coed

Sadly I cannot take credit for this, for it was a real headline on MSNBC shortly after the inauguration and parties. Now we all watched some portion of the balls after the main event, only to hear the majority of the news reporter’s talk about how poorly Obama sways. It was unanimous, but fine. Who cares that he is a bad dancer, he is the Commander in Chief and should be focusing on that job as opposed to practicing pirouettes with Biden before the ball. A few days later MSNBC threw this article together in a classic elementary school fashion. It literally appeared to have been written by a child with learning disabilities, probably one of those outreach programs like We’re All the Same, or I’m Useful, Somewhat. The author of the article said, “Watching Obama dance at the ball made it clear that he had grown up on the dance floor.” I would have more satire to follow, but that quote speaks for itself. Whoever said that should be ridiculed in front of a group of internet news junkies, oh wait, he already has. This article would be in the comics section.

 

• Horoscopes

A lot of work goes into the creating of individual horoscopes for each sign. My paper would be simple, here is an example:

*Cancer: your parents had sex in April. Don’t rely on fate, go out and get what you want.

*Finally, my newspaper would be printed on glossy paper in full color. I hate the feel of traditional newspaper. Also, this will enable us to use much higher quality photos of the WO street walkers.

FYI: The Middle East Hates the USA

On a morning run I passed by a newspaper vending machine showing a paper with the headline, “Obama reaches out to the Middle East.” If anyone has ever judged a book by its cover, it would have been me, this morning. Reaching out to the Middle East? I guess the problem I have with this dates back to the evening prior and the six o’clock news. The headlining story was about how California is in a budgetary crisis, resulting in many teachers receiving IOU statements in lieu of pay checks. That’s right, IOU’s. Remember in Dumb and Dumber when Harry and Lloyd replaced all the money they had spent in the Samsonite briefcase with IOU’s? “Might want to hang on to that one, $250,000.00.” While there is potential in the coming year to close down eight schools in the East Bay, we are sending aid to foreign countries that criticize the US and burn our flag every Friday afternoon. There has got to be a point where if they don’t ask for our help, refuse our help, get in the way of our help, bomb our help, that we say ENOUGH. I would think that by criticizing and threatening our administration, killing our troops, and making spooky videos in caves, that they would be sending a pretty clear message that they don’t want our aid.

The insanity in US cities is being overlooked. West Oakland still has not figured out that the four lanes running through industrial and residential areas are for cars. There are sidewalks and bike lanes for pedestrians. Why are you walking down the middle of the street?! Why are you walking so slow down the middle of the street? Oh, you own this town? Well so does Big Black (my vehicle) and I have gotten to a point where I don’t slow down when I see you holding up your pants, scowling at on coming cars, crossing the street in a heel-to-toe manner. This ties into the above; we cannot afford to close eight schools. There are too many idiots out there that think the world revolves around them and that by hanging around on corners sitting on busted 10-speed bikes that they are taking a stand against the man. We need that money Obama is sending to the Mid East to stay in the US. We are in a financial crisis, having the means to throw money at foreign issues really confuses me.

Former President Bush was no better, constantly focusing on foreign struggles rather than cleaning up our streets. I just read an article about how CA schools are overcrowded and kids are sitting on the floor. Then I saw a news report saying schools are under-enrolled and will be closing. First we need the truth, then we need a solution, then the steps to get there. I am begging Obama to concentrate on the homeland. ____ the Middle East. Cut the red tape and get the job done.

Choices

I see former President Bush frustrated here and I mumble to my self, “I know that road.”

The suffering of an individual should be of no enjoyment to anyone. We should never revel in the fact that our fellow man has a struggle or strife too difficult to overcome. The suffering and struggling of man, in my opinion, is a defect. To call God’s design defective is the only thing I can think of. Being given the power of choice is often seen as the reason for our straying from paradise. But why? Why offer up choices that will inevitably lead us to failure? Failure can be seen as many different things whether in a physical sense, like a light turning off, or mentally, like giving up.

Why not make the choices that come into our minds both ending in a positive result? Maybe one of the choices we could make leads us down a path where we become stronger physically, like climbing peaks and fording rivers. Yet the other choice brings us into a state of great contemplation and study, where research is the only key to opening the gate. Either choice results in eventual success, but at the same time, don’t include short-term pain. Why the pain? To learn? Is it a no pain, no gain kind of thing?

Some say the no pain, no gain teaches us to appreciate the good things. Well why not keep the good things good, get rid of the bad things, and give us GREAT things every once in a while?

The problem here is that we do not all make choices based on rational decisions. We don’t do all the research, we just let the dice roll. Why should this be our destruction? And in some cases, we don’t even get to make the choice. Some outside force takes us on like marionettes and makes the decision for us, causing us pain when we never even chose a path. It’s not like I am saying we shouldn’t be responsible for our actions and the choices leading to those actions, but why have the laws of human nature developed in the ways that they have?

My frustrations. This blog is not in retaliation to anything where I felt I was bamboozled, but where I feel others around me are short changed.  

The Grim

It was still dark when I arose, but I felt the thick fog of doom working its way to every corner of my apartment. On one hand, I was very excited that today was the day my girlfriend would be moving in with me. On the other, I had a dentist appointment, hence the doom-like fog. I went for an early swim hoping to rid my self of this feeling. Its long course, it is dark, and the pool emanates a nice warm fog. I couldn’t see more than about 25m in any direction outside of the water. Rounding turn 3 of a set of 400’s, I felt something touch my foot. I hate being caught up to, but felt that due to my recent moving into the fast lane, this would occasionally happen. I moved to the edge of the lane to make my flip so “guy” could go around me. But there was no guy. That’s when I knew, this was the grim. He was following me throughout my morning, diligently reminding me of the dentist visit I could not avoid…unless I wanted to pay a $45.00 rescheduling fee.

I went home to change into my business attire only to find that my apartment smelled of paint. For a brief moment, I forgot that I had spent the last week and a half painting my bedroom; this is how much the Grim was affecting my thinking. I straightened up a little, and got into my uniform. Today it was going to be man in black. As Johnny Cash had done at Folsom Prison, I was to do at my Dentist’s office. Black shoes, black socks, black pants, black belt, black sweater…white sunglasses. Pleasantly surprised upon entry, the office was very clean, flat panel televisions on all the dentist chairs for viewing during procedures, a good-looking, very helpful desk staff (a huge contrast from my previous dental office), and a well accomplished and accredited doctor. My fears melted away. As I sat in the reclining chair watching Obama greet congress men and women at the inauguration luncheon I chuckled, thinking it was insane to fear a visit to the dentist. X-rays came back with good and bad news: the good news being that my teeth weren’t falling out. The bad news was, some were falling in. I had a couple impacted wisdom teeth in need of extracting, and one miniscule cavity forming that needed to be filled.

No sweat DDS, clean those things and we’ll call it good for the day. The base of each tooth, on the gum, was then sharply poked with a tooth scraper. This may have been one of the most painful and excruciatingly uncomfortable situation I have ever been in. This is what the grim was trying to tell me! It lasted about ten minutes and was followed by a good ultrasonic clean and polish. So after an hour in the chair, I was free! “Hey Kyle, how was it??!?!!!?!! (the need for those punctuation marks is required to show the hygienists’ enthusiasm for my cleaning) I wanted to say, where are the wooden teeth so I can go? But since it wasn’t 1784, and I didn’t want to talk with that lisp, I offered up half a smile and mumbled something about needing to floss/brush/be a normal human being more.

So now I need a filling next week, four wisdom teeth pulled, and will now be going through this every four months as opposed to every six. Yes, I spent a good period of my life ignoring the needs of my enamel, gums, and surrounding area. I was grinding and clenching my way to future teeth issues. But let 2009 be new. This is a year of refinement, which in some cases for me will require a whole new drawing board. Being mindful of the future, yet at the same time concentrating on the present is a big goal of mine.

 

The grim seemed to have released his force choke on me as I walked out of the office. I saw him fading off into the distance, it looked like to the South East to accompany Premier Bush and his wife as they adapt back into a life of being super rich and identified, but in a house without the tunnels. I waved to him, hoping that the next time we meet he be a little more specific on what I am to expect.

On a seprate note, Monica will be arriving in only a few short, or long depending on the traffic, hours!

*This blog is meant to offer insight not into my life, but into life itself. When I describe these situations, I am posing a question to you, reader, hoping it provokes some thought. For today, what I need you to know is a there is a dentist in Walnut Creek, CA that does a fantastic job. The facility is innovative, clean, professional yet personal, and offers free parking. DDS Patel. Look this guy up.

**You may recall a “yesterland” blog regarding inaccurate blood pressure readings and the travesties these can cause. Well FYI super market BP machines, I am 118-60. PWNED!

Skymall Captions

The game: my airline has reached an altitude where tray tables may be lowered and seat backs declined. I glance at my row to be sure the passenger closest to me is not able to see exactly what I am doing. Reaching into my carry on, I extract a pen capable of producing bold ink through a thin tip, and known to be smear-free through previous testing. The catalog is Skymall, and it is about to be defaced. As you know, there are many products offered in this publication ranging from hand-held suction devices for sucking undesirable bugs from walls, to swim suits you can actually sun tan through! With such strange and interesting products, there are equally funny demonstration photos. With any comprising photo, we all imagine (well maybe not all, but me at least) what the person or animal might be thinking or saying. And then we imagine what we would like them to say, the two rarely being the same. With either a caption or thought bubble, I convey this information to you, the next person to sit in seat 4B. The reason for making sure I have a fair proximity between myself and the other passengers has a lot to do with the comments. In other words, if catalogs where within Bob Dole’s influential reach, and we were still in the 90’s, Skymall would require a V-chip after my handy work.

None of it is down right offensive, to me anyway, and speaks to many people on many levels. Take for instance the advertisement for a pair of headphones to be used while watching T.V. This headset is designed to be worn if only one person in the room wants to hear the programming. The ad features a master bedroom with a man and woman preparing for a long winters night. The wife (assuming they are in wedlock) is sleeping to the right side, facing away from the husband, and has a content smile on her face with her eyes shut. The husband is sitting nearly straight up, looking at the opposite wall of the headboard location at a wall-mounted T.V. He is wearing a rugby-style polo buttoned all the way up, and is adorning the helicopter-pilot style headphones while watching a superimposed football game. He has a giddy smile on his face, and based on his dress, is either ready for a European contest of retardation (rugby), or his first day of third grade.

So what do I do? I assume the thoughts of the individuals and write accordingly. I won’t spoil the surprise of what I wrote. Maybe this is something we can all begin to do. It passes the time, 45 minutes or so, and gives the next passenger an opportunity to chuckle, or be repulsed, either one. 

Solution to the Problem

Argument: BART cops should have tasers, cuffs, mace, a flash light, a ticket book, a Miranda card, and a radio. There should be nothing with bullets in their belts. This would have saved someone’s life yesterday. Instead, it ended a life because the officer felt threatened to a point that the only response was to shoot the suspect while he was face down on the cement.

To look at both sides, I have seen some strange things while on BART, and I am not usually even at the rough stations. Having safety officers equipped with guns would at least keep some of the crazies from acting out. The intimidation factor might be enough. The problem with the tasers is that people with nothing to lose may think that snatching a purse or pooping in a cardboard box is worth a blast of electricity.

This is a tricky issue. Maybe it is not so much a question of should BART police officers have guns, but more a question of why don’t we have robot cops? Robot cops would be so smart that they would know whether the suspect was a threat or not, and use INTELLIGENT discretion in these matters, rather than leave it up to tough guys like the above who clearly cannot be trusted based on emotions and fears. The robot cops would have manufacturing and maintenance costs, but would require no salary or benefits. This extra money could be used for developing cool phrases for them to say like:

 Robot: Knock, Knock…

Crook: Who’s there?

Robot: A Robot

Crook: Oh sh*t!

Or it could be used to peel all the old circles of gum off the ground. Next time take a look, anywhere, it is every where!

I would be all about robot cops, as long as they aren’t the ones that go bad. You see this happen in movies and it usually ends in going back to human law enforcement, which starts the cycle all over again. So all we have to do is make the robots right the first time. 

2-zero-zero-9, just in time!

I am posting my New Year resolutions publicly this year because, 

a) I have a blog

b) I am actually going to work to achieve them.

A while back I was digging through some old journals and sketch books and I came across a set of resolutions for 1999. Although the handwriting was good, I cannot say the same for the intentions of the resolutions. The majority of them were selfish, but at 16, that’s what it’s all about. Most revolved around either swimming fast times, or girls. There was one about GPA, and another about being nice. So of the 12 resolutions on my list, only one was helpful to society.

I am not Mother Theresa, The Mahatma, The Dalai Lama, or James Earl Jones…yet I still feel that I can do some good. Caught between two parallels, two drastically different parallels, I am trying to find balance. On the one hand, I am a lover of observational humor, which unfortunately usually involves poking fun at the people and things around me. While some may be innocent and all in good fun, others can be harsh, whether the target of the joke is hip to their involvement or not. I am not going to say that I will stop making fun of people. That would be impossible. But what I will do is keep it low key, keep it honest, and make sure it is done in a constructive manner. For instance, “ha-ha, look at that huge decal of a crooked Nike™ Swoosh™ on the rear window of that Astro van”, would be my usual reaction to such a sight. The difference in 2009 will be, now that I have a camera, I can photograph these things, post them on the blog, viewers can see it, they can tell their friends (owners of Astro vans with big lame decals) who will then realize the crime in their actions, and remove the window decal. My camera in these situations will allow me to be a gift to humanity, spreading the word. That word being one meant to alleviate those adorning these decals of embarrassment.

I said I was trying to find balance, and that there were two hands; so on the other hand, upon seeing poverty, injured animals, poor graffiti on clean walls, broken toys, dead animals, unfinished construction projects, and dead plants, I can become very emotional. It is weird, and I try to make sure this side is seldom seen. This side has been known to clash with the other at times, but it seems that the balance each other out nicely. The bottom line, I want to make things better. Better for everyone! And as my main goal of 2009 is awareness, I want to be more aware of what is going on around me, and be more aware of the feelings of others, as well as create awareness via my camera and this blog on how to improve things.

Three cheers! One cheer is for the fact that gas is cheaper and going for “rides” can recommence following a long hiatus, another cheer is for people being less self righteous this year (here’s hoping!), and the final cheer goes out to all the times I wish I had one and didn’t (there is homage being paid here with the third cheer, can you tie it?)

I would also like to offer this resolution on past behavior. I need to make sure when completing a surf session, that I will not paddle in. You see this from time to time when the water goes flat, and those times are acceptable. But if they are still breaking and I am done, the only way in is standing up. Mark those words.

Sometimes people say that reading between the lines is a good thing. After careful thought, I find it to be quite the opposite. If someone has written you a note, and it is not a treasure map from “olden times”, take it for what it is worth. If you are still confused, speak to them in person. It is very likely that by reading between the lines and avoiding a face-to-face, you are making matters worse for your self. So if you receive a memo from me in any form other than in person, and you understand the English language, you will be fine in knowing what is meant. Although I may Leo da Vinci it and sketch some creepy pictures on the back, in which case you will want to burn the note and get off the radar. As we enter a new year, don’t be an idiot, don’t read between the lines.

Are you wearing sandals with socks? Are they those strappy Velcro ones with air pockets in the heels? Well unlike past moments where I would go into this huge long thing about how you may possibly have been born without a brain and that your head is comprised of nerve ending firing off randomly like a lobster, only your aren’t like a lobster because you don’t make me laugh and you don’t taste good. I might also ask if you suffered any brain damage while trying to wrestle your last pair of tie-dyed socks away from your 400-pound mate, that would have caused you to, following the tug-o-war, apply the socks then the sandals. But in 2009 I intend on embracing these things, for it is our differences that set us apart from the animals. Or is it reason?

I have others, but they are more the standard: eat better, run more, swim more, surf more, volunteer…

Finally, the act of spontaneity is not something commonly added to New Year Resolutions. Normally people want to be more organized, plan more, prepare more, visualize more…but not me. I could probably benefit from organizing a little better, but we’ll save that one for 2010. If I want to go to Disneyland, and Monica agrees with or allows it, I will go. If I don’t want to go to the beach, but it is firing, I still won’t go. If I have allocated $80.00 for groceries and there is an event at RVCA, I will eat less. What needs to be done is, with intent to keep things lively and fresh (and not sound like a self-help book), we take the play book and use it for other things. This can become an idea book. It can be used to document spending and keep track of bills, or as a sticker crease remover.

The question worth asking; does the above make sense? Answer: probably not. But when I was writing it, it made sense, and I think what I am trying to say is: do what you want. Be who you are. If you are 25 and still fascinated with sock monkeys, weather patterns, Disney theme parks, secret societies, giant squids, Toyota Supra’s, Fortune 500 Companies’ Annual Reports, and the supernatural, than good for you!

With the most serious of expressions, I pray for health and peaceful energy to all. John Lennon said that all you need is love, he forgot to say, and health. To the Cos, I am looking forward to a rematch of the $5.00 race we had at 10240 SE 147^th Ave. Double or nothing! 

This and That

Funny hats. There is nothing better than wearing a funny hat, clearly as a joke or homage to a past era, only to see someone right around the corner wearing one like it is no big deal. This seems to be common with bowler hats, Indiana Jones-style hats, fedoras, flat caps, and Gatsby’s. But there is no room here for making fun, and a great hat should be appreciated, even if it is one of those beer dispensing football helmets. I can be seen wearing a couple of head pieces; a betting man would put $50 on me wearing a flat cap on any given day outside of the office.

Shower caps. While on the subject of hats, I feel you need to be reminded that people in West Oakland are still wearing shower caps around town. I have mentioned this occurrence on my blog before, and need to reiterate how asinine it is! In their defense, it was partly cloudy that day, but still. What?! Do you really want to look mentally challenged?

Jobs I don’t want. TSA at the airport security checkpoint would be a horrible position. Imagine all the disgusting feet you would see when those shoes come off. There have also got to be occurrences where upon removal of the belt, trousers fall. Worst of all, you have to hold people up that are already most likely to be in a hurry. No thanks. But somebody needs to keep the skies safe, so for all who adorn the navy blue polyester-blend uniform with sewn on badge, Thank You.

Call of Duty 4. Bottom line best game for the PS3. No matter what new games I get, I always come back to this one. I guess you never forget your first time. And COD4 was the first game I ever played on this console. I do intend to start playing more SOCOM soon. The characters that play COD4 are classic. The varying personalities, high and low pitched voices, and game play styles are…wait a second, I am a huge nerd. Shoot…literally.

Blueberry Yogurt. This stuff is all well and good, but it doesn’t taste like the raw berries you find in muffins, pies, pancakes, etc. It doesn’t have that slight tang that you get from the berries. This is upsetting, and makes me wonder if that tang is the antioxidants and that I am being ripped off of feeling great by this yogurt? Is it just the yogurt that masks the real taste? If so, they need to change the shelf life of these things. The longer the berries sit in the yogurt, the quicker they lose their appeal to me.

Denver Airport. Unlike airports in the rest of the CONUS, this one has a dress code. Let me lay it out for you starting at the toes:

• Socks: some kind of ‘thinsulate’ socks that are both thick and breathable
• Boots: Marmot, Merrill, TNF, or any other brand of hiking boots or hiking boot/shoe/sandal/slipper hybrid snuggly tied.
• Pants: jeans or ventilated kaki-colored pant (sometimes with the zipper-off option to make them shorts) with a relatively close fit. If it is jeans, they are never any other cut but straight leg with the potential to be either slim fit or husky. There may or may not be a compass attached by a carabineer to one of the belt loops. If they are wearing shorts, you will notice the socks are gray with two red stripes at the top. Whether it is a man or woman, their calves are insane!
• Belt: most likely with a pattern either hammered and oiled in (if leather) or adorned in those mock Native American beads. It might be neo-active therefore uses a toggle or snap rather than the standard belt buckle. Or, it might just be a huge belt buckle.
• Top: long sleeve-t usually in an earth tone, or an adventurous button up with breast pockets on both sides (fully functional) with mesh vents under the arms. The shirt, T or Adventure, will ALWAYS be tucked in. Over the shirt is a fleece vest, in some cases can be down material. Likely brands here would be TNF, Marmot, Lowe Alpine, Mountain Hardware, Spyder, L.L. Bean, Lands End, Patagonia, or RLX. Gotta keep that core warm.
• Head: ball cap or boney hat, usually with the name of a national park or wildlife foundation.
• Bandana: can be found any where on the body. I have seen them every where!

Tillamook Cheese. Best cheese out there, bar none.

T-shirts with huge animals on the front. As an animal lover, I have no qualms about seeing these beauties, but I will pose a question: you’ve chosen to wear the wolf today, but yesterday it was an eagle, what does that mean? Do people buy these based on their favorite animals, or is it more like a mood thing? “Ugh! I’m a little grouchy this morning, I better wear the bear t-shirt.” “Ahhhh, what a great night’s sleep. I feel rested and ready to run around, where’s that cheetah shirt?” “Alright, I am going to need my homeboys for this, gotta have that shirt with the pack of wolves on it.” No bid deal, just wondering.

That’s all for now friends, but be advised, the staff of College Humor (http://www.collegehumor.com) has just signed a TV show deal with MTV, watch out! Phantom of the Office on cable! 

Slip-N-Slide

As a fan of The Lion King, I love to use quotes or terminology from the movie as often as comfortably possible. In the film, “the rainy season” is mentioned. California has officially kicked off its rainy season with some torrential down pours with a few cloud breaks mixed in. By around 9:00 pm you can expect the rain to let up and the skies to clear, yet right around 5:45 am, the rain picks up again lasting throughout the day. Those last two sentences seem a bit jumbled but oh well; the bottom line is it’s super rainy and miserable.

The problem with weather is the effect it has on transportation. What many don’t realize is that no matter how many aqua-treads your have on your tires, you can still slide. It isn’t so much the water that makes the surface of the roads slippery, as it is the oil. When I moved to Oregon I got accustomed, somewhat, to the rain. One day, sophomore year, in Mr. Maier’s math class, I learned a great lesson: the roads are 10 times more dangerous during the first rain after a long dry spell (even if it is a mild sprinkle) than they are after being soaked for days, weeks, and in Portland, months. The danger is not the stupidity of the drivers. People generally don’t forget how to drive in the rain, although some may be in question. The reason for extra caution during the first couple days and weeks is the massive amount of oil on the road.

When that guy with the old pick-up in your parking lot leaves each day, do you notice all those dark spots on the ground? That’s usually oil, and it drips, to some degree, from most cars. So now the residential roads, highways, freeways, bridges, and whatever else you drive on have a hidden secret. Think of your lava lamp, you know water and oil won’t mix. So when that rain comes down on the oil, rather than permeating into the cement, or at least sitting right on top of it, you have two independent layers of danger. The water, pancake’d (I guess that is not a real word?) on top of the oil can, in some cases, make the ground as equally dangerous as ice.

Keep that in mind when you are driving, Californians. It’s not just water so be wary, big black does not need you sliding into him.

Flight Status Go

Question: are people more or less patient in public with regards to the economic state in the US?

Answer: more patient.

After spending a good part of this year traveling back and forth to the Midwest from the West Coast, I have found the majority of travelers to be more patient now (12/15/2008) than they were then (12/20/2007). I, of course, still have a hard time relaxing when I am trying to get somewhere and encounter adverse weather or flight delays. Yet most people don’t seem to be stirring up too much trouble. There will always be a few, usually they travel very little and become confused with technology (boarding pass printers, security screening, automatic toilets, etc.) that cause a ruckus, but as stated, things seem pretty good. Despite patient travelers, there are still problems.

SOP (Standard Operating Procedure). I like this acronym and try and use it whenever possible. SOP for flights that I am taking is as follows:

• Infant or very poorly behaved baby must be within two rows of my seat on flights with a duration of 2-hours or more
• I will get a stomach ache at some point
• Whether I am playing bookworm or writing captions in Sky Mall (more on this later) a fellow passenger will invade my privacy with their eyes
• The chances of getting the whole can of ginger ale are slim to none

Another problem is small talk. I am all for it, and find the airport a fun place to talk to people because of the travel stories and forced things in common. But sometimes it is not acceptable. The airplane has reached 6,000 feet and all portable electronics not emitting a radio signal can now be used. Thank God. I need to shove these ear buds in and crank up the old iPod so 40-something lady doesn’t ask me any more questions about “traveling alone.” Listen ma’am. You are 44 years old. It’s not like you are preparing for a space mission. Travel hasn’t changed much, and there is no advice I can give you that will make finding a nice restaurant in Houston any easier. Read the in-flight magazine or start knitting. But no, I can’t get the ear buds in and am fumbling with the ear piece.

“Can you hand me your in-flight magazine, all the puzzles in mine have been done?” Of course. Not. Maybe I want to do puzzles too. Maybe I want to fit 9 numbers into 9 small squares making up one large square to pass the time. Maybe I want to do a word search with words like luggage, terminal, and idiot passenger hidden discreetly within a jumble of letters. But I don’t, so I give her the magazine thinking it will do the trick. Nope. All those puzzles have been done too. “I guess that is just a sign we need to be more social these days, don’t ya think?” Oh man if only I could tell her what I really thought regarding the social interactions between her and my self that I was dyeing to avoid. I nodded with a half smile, finally getting the ear buds in place and the volume adjusted. My eyes shut and plane climbed. A minute in a half later I was awoken by a poke from her point nails. “Did you want a drink? You looked thirsty, otherwise I would have just let you sleep.” She said this with a smile that is burned into my brain. I looked thirsty? What about my personal appearance gave the look that I was in need of a thirst-quenching beverage? I’ll go with nothing.

Next time when I board a plane I will be sure that the seats in my row are equipped with new magazines with brand new puzzles and that I have an IV in my arm giving me enough liquids during the flight that nobody thinks they need to wake me from my fragile sleep for a drink.

I certainly proved the opposite of my hypothesis. Yet I think I am the minority, and have no problem with that.  

It’s Monday. I remember one orange and black cat by the name of Garfield who said, “I don’t do Mondays.” So rather than a standard blog about some miniscule annoyance of mine, this is what we will do-

Things that I find to be funny: 

•          A guy standing in the dumpster outside my office jumping up and down talking on his blue tooth head set about how Obama will not save anyone (he is a Kenyan, I know this because I discussed politics with him about two months ago).
  

*He is actually a pretty intelligent man, the only problem is, he is in a dumpster. I guess it’s his public forum.

•           Two incredibly obese children looking at the DVD cover of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. One says to the other, “Look at him, he looks so old! He even has white hair! He’s even getting a mustache! No way. No way a 70 year old guy could do that stuff.” They put the DVD down and grabbed a bag of chips.
  

 *A couple of real winners here. Besides the fact that they looked like extras from the hit 90’s movie, Heavy Weights, these two characters had an IQ equal to that of a urinal. I am pretty sure you get a mustache prior to the ripe old age of 70. 

•          Facial hair of any kind
  
•          Maddox http://maddox.xmission.com/
  
•         Seeing someone with food stains all over their shirt
  
•          Runners doing the flare-step
  
•          Wal-Mart grade Fupa’s
•           Kids that are bad at drawing
•          College Humor hardly working, and Jake and Amir skits
  
•          Hyphy Bay Area Lexus’s          Giant car window decals of either the drivers last name, or the make/model of the vehicle, or the Virgin Mary, or a Nike Swoosh, anything really.
•          Rocawear
  
•          Scrawny kids wearing Tapout clothing
•           Anyone wearing Affliction clothing
•          People trying to squeeze into clothes
  
•          Skinny jeans on emo’s with kankles
  
•           COPS (on True TV)
  
•           Curb Your Enthusiasm
  
•          So-called “pirates” that get captured by the Danish Navy
  
•           Men (boys) wearing Ed Hardy clothing (sweet rhinestones bro)
  

**Finally, the most hilarious thing I have witnessed in a long time (other than an explicit t-shirt I won’t mention) took place at Subway in Oakland, CA. A gentleman of the carpenter trade was in line patiently awaiting his turn. I noticed he had five dollars in his hand. I am assuming he had been dreaming of this $5.00 foot long all morning and just knew that the warm, wrinkly sawbuck in his pocket was the key to a happy stomach come lunch time. In line, he stood tall, with piercing hawk-like eye-contact at the sandwich artist. As soon as the person ahead of him moved forward, it was time. Hammer and Nails approached the glass, breathing heavy enough to fog it up just a little too much to see what kind of meats were running low. I don’t know what bread he got, but I do know the sandwich; Philly Cheese Steak. This particular Subway offers a limited selection of five-dollar foot longs, as this decision is up to the owner of the franchise. By the time H&N got through the building process, his sandwich would not have passed CAL OSHA if it were a building, something he should know plenty about. It was piled high with every condiment available, AKA “the works.”

 

“That will be $6.49 sir, cash or credit?”

 

The silence was deafening. His eyes bulged, his forearms flexed. He wasn’t going to be eating this afternoon. “What the Hell you saying man?” The cashier replied by repeating the amount due again, this time with on the string of D (as snooty as possible). “I ain’t got nothing mo’ than a five!” “Sign say five dollar foot long, what you doing man?” Boiling point had been reached and he was spilling over. “Sir, the sign attached to the counter shows which sandwiches are five dollars, the rest are at regular price. “Take some toppings off then. Take off some vegetables, leave the meat and cheese, charge me five dollars!” “All this greens has got to be wroth something (referring to the lettuce, etc).

“I’m sorry sir, if you can’t pay the $6.49, I won’t be able to give you the sandwich.”

So he walked out. He didn’t opt for a different composition, like the cold cut trio, or meatball marinara.

Where he went with that five dollar bill, God only knows. Probably to a hotdog cart or something. Don’t construction workers usually have that little cooler and thermos anyway?

Enjoy the free oxygen friends. We’re lucky to be here!

Taking the High Road

Have you ever taken the long way around a room to avoid contact with someone? Maybe not just someone, but anyone, everyone? For a long time, I hoped that I was not the only person to do this. Sometimes there is that guy or girl that you just can’t handle, and rather than biting the bullet and engaging in agonizing small talk, I would do one of the following:

 

• Pull out my cell phone and pretend I just got an important call, and duck out the nearest exit.
• Immediately upon seeing said person, produce a facial expression of concern, so they would know I didn’t want to talk.
• Speed up my pace so it was clear I had no time for nonsense
• Run away!

This behavior is not to be confused with antisocial intentions, it is far from that. There are just some instances where common courtesy cannot be used. And rather than causing a nasty confrontation, paths must divert.

So all the while I thought, man, I am a weird dude. Rather than staying the course I will go out of my way, to great distances at times, to avoid having to hear about someone’s life bouts. But this past week something happened that changed everything. I saw someone else use similar tactics to avoid an awkward question and possible response. Picture if you will, a large room-one with a small adjoining room where the guests store their coats. The doorway to said small room is being blocked by a table of two. An opportunity to go outside arises (a coat is required due to temperature) and the individual requiring the coat looks in the direction of where they are stowed. Rather than pose, “excuse me, I just need to grab my coat (only the excuse me will be heard, the second half of that phrase is usually mumbled and the speaker just points to what they are going for and smiles), the person in need of the coat declines. They decline because asking someone comfortably seated in a chair to scoot over a bit can sometimes get nasty. Resentment of the person requesting pass can take place, and the whole event suffers. So instead of enjoying the outdoors, we contently remain on the couch, looking out the window, wishing we would have hung our coat some where else.

That is a slightly different situation, but with the same mentality.

Never give up, never surrender! –Galaxy Quest

Grab the tapes and the Louie and beak!

*I apologize in advance for the scatter-brain nature of this thread, I just wanted to write as I thought.

It’s Friday and I have not put in a trip report yet from last weekend. The only good reason for that is I am still reveling in the size and speed through the Lane last Saturday. I will give a full update this weekend, no excuses. Bottom line, I realized that although big wave surfing is exciting in thought.  It is a different beast and you can’t just jump into the ring with Ali having never thrown a punch. That’s how I felt at times when I was presented waves that should have only been ridden with a gun or at least a board shorter than a Cadillac. Enough said, expect heavy detail this weekend.

Take a look at your keyboard, which keys have that well-deserved shine? The most polished keys for me: O, I, U, T, S, D, A, E, R, and N.; which means I must type the word Outsider’AN pretty regularly, or at least some variation of that.

Another observation you may have made sitting in traffic is, it seems like motorcycles and sports cars have a lot of little holes and channels in their disc breaks. These holes are there to disperse the extreme friction-generated heat created when these speedy transports hit the breaks. They are an improvement over the solid break in that they don’t allow break fluid/dust to build up, and they help keep water away from the break pads. Just a little FYI for ya.

What has been the most driving factor in making you “Go Green?” An Inconvenient Truth? High gas prices? Fear that future generations will be drying up in the desert? For me, it was Pixar’s latest film (not Bolt, even though technically that would be the latest since I believe it comes out today?) Wall-E. Wall-E is a waste allocation robot, Earth class, who has managed to stay alive in a dump. He has a friend that is a bug who he braves weird heat and dirt storms with, and collects gizmos amongst the trash that has been left behind by fat people. All the humans in Wall-E are fat. The gizmos are simple things that Wall-E clearly finds not to be trash, and has them well organized in his abode. I don’t feel any more description is required. You’ve seen the movie, you know what happens. If you haven’t, SPOILER ALERT: Wall-E saves the day. Watch this movie again, a couple times, now that it is out on Blue Ray. Concentrate on the message and the love story. It will make stop accepting ATM receipts, and start turning your urine into drinking water like they do on the spaceship!

So some tools have drifted off to the nebulas beyond. These are our tools. Tax payers have paid dearly for the current space mission (Endeavor), which I am fine with, actually more than fine, but we need to make sure these tools are affixed to the workers. I don’t surf non-beach breaks without a leash, so astronauts shouldn’t spacewalk without a leash attached to them and their tools. And friends, this was not a gaggle of wrenches, Phillips-head screw drivers, and hack saws floating around that drifted off, these are extremely specific and equally expensive instruments. I feel like “instruments” would be a better term for defining what is being used to make adjustments to the International space station. *Er, actually as I was typing that, I found that the tools were pretty simple, and included some shop rags. This was no slack job, both astronauts spent 7 hours on this spacewalk and got the job done. Bravo, I got next!

Closing remarks:

• That lady that played a fat baseball player on League of Their Own, a sleaze on Exit to Eden, and had a loud mouth day time talk show has got some new thing on NBC. Don’t watch it. If an equation created the show: Rosanne(3) + every horrible event in world history(6) = Rosie
• The Nightman Cometh 

Suede Raid in Affect

Normally today would be Fact Friday, or WTF Friday, but today is not normal. Today is the day when the world declared in one voice, Cowell’s, Pleasure Pointe, and the Lane have double over-heads!

As you read this, some of the best rights in California are going off, possibly some a-frames, and they are being taken advantage of. I have made a packing list and will have Big Black (transportation) loaded up before I go to bed with visions of barrels, folding in my head. At 6:00 AM tomorrow morning I am making the pilgrimage to Mecca (Santa Cruz). I plan on being there all day, surfing, running, maybe a little bike riding? I’m not sure, I don’t know if there is going to be enough time!?

The clear sky, blue water, non-existent wind…yes. The water temperature may be colder than a polar bears rear end, but that doesn’t matter. My 3:2 spring suit will give enough flex, and provide enough warmth to have an excellent day. No board dings tomorrow. Big Black will be looking-on, cliff-side, with Peevs in the window watching for Whitey and other similar species.

What scares me is that everyone and their grandma is on surfline and wannasurf looking at the surf cams tripping off the size and loading up their woody’s too. Tomorrow will be crowded, no doubt. Finding waves may be easy for the eye, but not for the board. If traveling up and down SC county is what it takes, then a’hunting we will go.

I really wish this came one week earlier while Monica was here - the perils of a long distance relationship! A nice trip report and recap on the weekend will be available Sunday night. Photographs included.

Strike true.

*above picture is at the Lane, courtesy of Google™

Faded Glory

 

A couple of times a year, I get this urge. I am not sure where it comes from, but it is unmistaken when it approaches. The impulse is strong and spreads throughout my 5’10, 158-162-pound body like wildfire. Before long, I am overcome with the need and can no longer repress it. So I go into my room, open the third or second drawer from the bottom of my dresser, and remove the dark item. I give it a couple good shakes and we’re ready.

 

Who, you might be wondering, is ready? Me and one of my black t-shirts of course! Very rarely do I wear black t-shirts, and here is why: they are good for one wear, or a couple, depending on your laundry cycle. After your black stallion is washed, it will never fit or look the same again. It gets thousands of tiny white particles of fabric on it which gray the shirt immensely. It also shrinks…and it shrinks good. Now you have an ill-fitting, light black (fuzz-gray) t-shirt. Despite the short comings of a t-shirt that looked completely different when you picked it out online, you must press on. You might wear it to the beach, or the store, or maybe on a date (if you are under the age of 15), hoping people will see it for what it once was, not how it appears today.

 

At the end of the day, you are left with a very difficult decision. Should you toss the tee into the wash? Or would it be okay for another couple wears? Unless you have stunk this garment up beyond the axe-bullet repair, fold it up and put it away. Don’t look at it like that. You’ll have that urge again soon enough, you can always open the drawer and run a hand along it, just to make sure it is still there.

Candid Camera

So my wonderful girlfriend Monica buys me this awesome camera, and I never have it when I need it! What I have done here is listed some things I have seen that I would have killed to have a camera on me to capture.

 

• A couple months ago I saw a Bay Area hipster riding one of those “metro bikes” (a bicycle that looks like a road bike but has been converted to a single speed with back peddle brakes) down Mandela Ave. with a parrot on his shoulder. There were a couple of poop stains from when the bird had gotten frightened, but all in all, it was well-behaved and seemed to be enjoying the wind in its feathers.
• Stopped at a red light in a sketchy area of Oakland on a rainy day, saw a guy take the final swig on a silo of MGD, hold the can above his head to catch some rain in it for about 20 seconds, swirl the contents, and take another drink. *The camera would have been in video mode.
• At Postino in Lafayette, a fat guy with a weird jaw-beard acting inappropriate towards the female staff.
• A kid and his dad running flag patterns on the Acalanes football field last Thursday. So the kid does a couple cut-backs and then tries to scoop a low pass and misses like 3 times in a row. Fourth time is a charm right? Wrong! He misses again and takes off his cleat and heaves it into the bleachers! *Video mode on this as well.
• A Chevy Astro van with a Virgin Mary decal taking up the entire rear window. It was like stained glass. A stained glass miracle.
• A Caucasian man in Sun Valley wearing an oversized (to say the least) white t-shirt with the text “Yes I’m Black, No I’m Not a Criminal!”
• Fat kid picking a wedge.
• Fat people in small clothing.
• Fat families.
• An old lady sitting at a bus stop near my freeway entrance who had oxygen hooked up, and was smoking a ciggy.
• There was a girl that was running the same route as me and was going about a 12 min mile pace. She had the Garmin top dollar GPS pedometer, brand new Brooks, a water belt (of course) with the quad-threat set-up (4 uselessly small bottles), iPhone strapped to her arm being used for its MP3 capabilities, and a pouch of a gut. But hey, at least she’s out there doing it, right?
• A traveling carnival had set up for the Nut Festival at Heather Farms and a bunch of the carnies were under some trees playing rock paper scissors.
• I saw a dog pooping by this baseball field and a duck was standing no more than 6 inches away staring at it.

 

You have my promise, that from this day forward (starting when I get home) I have try and have my camera on me at all times, and so should you!

A word on Christmas-Christmas presents

You have gotten them, and likewise, you have probably wrapped them. It is common that one will give Christmas themed presents, on Christmas. Whether they be ornaments, flatware, or just general decorations, I feel that they are given at the wrong time. It is like getting a check from your grandma and not being able to cash it for a whole year, which on occasion happens to some people anyway.

I’m not just ranting here friends, for I have a solution: give Christmas related gifts on other occasions through the year. For instance, my birthday is in July. This is perfect. Give me something Christmas related so I can pack it away, but not in the rafters as Christmas is only about 6-months away. Now, I can use the decorations! See where I am going here? Birthday Christmas gifts are just one of many examples. Hand out ornaments for Halloween! 

(Freaky) Fact Friday!

The week of Halloween has been one of tricks, treats, and spooks around every corner. By spooks I mean cats, and they are all over my dwelling complex. Sleeping on hoods of cars, walking on balcony railings, sitting out by the pool getting their paw pads tanned, the list goes on.

I did see the Eye and found one scene to be scary. Jessica Alba is in the elevator, old guy behind her, gross toe nails and all, starts floating towards her. You think there will be some ghastly contact but there never is. Scariest scene in the movie. Not so much because of what is going on, but it is one of those things that you see once, and it gets stuck in your head for the rest of the night, week, month, year…

 

If I were you, and was reading my blog, besides saying, “wow, this is the best blog I have ever come across, I am going to add it to the list of blogs I follow.” I would expect to see a brief history on Halloween. However, I think this should be left up to the experts, and therefore ask that you watch the history of the holiday on the History channel, it is amazing. Or, just watch Disney’s Hocus Pocus.

 

On with the facts!

 

·         Beavis and Butthead, a cartoon airing in the mid-1990’s through the millennium, did a Halloween special called Butt-O-Ween. This video is available on YouTube and I recommend watching it before you hit the streets for candy time.

·         When witches burry their victims, what is left of them (most organs are put in glass jars), they are almost ALWAYS in unmarked graves.

·         Vampires are not scary. It wouldn’t be all that bad to live forever and never age. And the ability to scale completely flat and vertical walls wouldn’t be a curse either.

·         R.L. Stein paved the way in horror for the youth. What he also did was create extremely corny movie versions of his books which are jam-packed with inconsistencies.

·         Of the three Sanderson Sisters, only one is good looking. It can now be noted that said witch’s face resembles a foot.

·         Some costumes you will likely see this year: The Joker, The Joker, a catholic priest, The Joker.

·         I have searched anatomy charts high and low, and have never been able to figure what you call that thing that bumps out in the crotch area of larger people’s pants. What IS that thing? Well, it turns out, it is just another skin fold.

·         Wearing lots of reflective gear while running when it is not dark heightens your clown chi. The same rules apply to those wearing 4-bottle water belts when they are running less than 13 miles.

·         Binder clips are the most useful of all the office supplies.

·         The best way to de-wax a surfboard is to let it sit in the sun for an hour or so until the wax is nice and hot. Then run a flat edge (I used a library card) down the length of the board. It will come off like butter.

·         Home Improvement used to have some great Halloween specials.

·         Some generalizations made in the past may have been accurate for that time, but as society and human beings naturally progress, these stereotypes go the way of the Dodo. But there are stereotypes that are just plain fair. These are common traits of a specific group; a group consisting of people with a local connection. My stereotype of the day is that male Asian drivers are the most dangerous on the road. Argue with me. Get mad and say that is racist. But you would be fooling yourself friends. I would site the many occurrences where I was put in great peril, but there are so many, you are just going to have to take my word for it. Take a look, it’s in a book.

·         Splish Splash is a great song to listen to if you are having a hard day

·         Some hearts just get lucky sometimes!

·         In Little Big Planet, getting a spade symbol means you beat the level without losing a life.

 

Go forth, blog readers, go forth and rejoice. For today is a day of candy, pranks, and joyous celebration!

WTF Friday

This is Hazel, Witch Hazel that is.

Fact Friday for 10/24 has been replaced with WTF?!

WTF?!: a section where I ask questions that have been plaguing me (reply if you have an answer)

§         You’ve heard of the girl who lied to press, and the police, saying that a “black man” accosted her, beat her up, and carved a “B” on her cheek when he found out she was Pro-McCain. Well she was a piece of trash, some what similar to the old kook that was calling Obama an Arab. It is people like this that deepen the party line trenches. My question is, why when the chips are down, do people show their true idiotic colors?

§         Witch Hazel is a delightful character in Disney cartoons of the early 1950’s. Warner Brothers stole the character and name saying, “Witch Hazel is an herb, and Disney does not have the right to restrict its use.” But why is the Disney version so nice, and the Warner Bros. version of the Hazel dedicated to the eating of children?

§         What has happened to NBC’s The Office? Yes, there are some funny scenes or comments, but what happened to stirring the melting pot? The Convict? Gay Witch Hunt? The Injury? We know what the writers are capable of, so why the fluff? And why no explanation on Meredith’s face breakout on EP1 of season 5?

§         Nissan dealerships across the USA are selling GTR’s to the highest bidder. Because of the limited supply, only a few GTR’s make it to each city, and because of that, these machines are going for much higher prices than originally listed. What was supposed to cost $75k out the door, is now seeing prices well over $100k just to stay competitive in the bid. What gives, Nissan? Get these things rollin!

§         I am 99% sure that time stood still for about 30 minutes today – like dead serious. Did anyone else notice that?

§         Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe?

§         Do Lego engineers have to wear gloves? After just one hour long romp in the Lego box stacking the plastic bricks, my fingers are raw from the block corners. I can’t imagine putting these babies together for a living!

§         Why does my Samsung phone randomly turn off the data sending/receiving feature?

§         Was it a waffle or a hamburger that George Lucas was eating when he got the idea for the Millennium Falcon? I have heard two different versions.

§         Is Jurassic Park a real place?

yIN yANG

Things no longer “cool”

• Crocs (all models)
• Shirts that say Abercrombie in huge letters
• Board shorts with a sewn on stripe down the outside legs
• VW Jettas
• Jeans with fake holes
• Double/Triple Polos
• David Letterman
• Affirmative Action
• McDonalds ranch (the condiment)
• Shirts with witty sayings (also includes fictitious bars, beaches, and surf contests)
• Claiming Money Ball as your favorite book
• Tribal, Butterfly, Fairy, Frog, Star, and Asian character tattoos
• Quoting Old School (unless you are drunk, and the quote directly applies, i.e. “I’ll do one!”)
• Off shoot religions spearheaded by celebrities
• Michael Moore (never was, but just to reiterate)
• Saying, “Good to go”
• Pirate Monkeys (just say monkey, because all monkeys are pirates anyway)
• British Culture (hasn’t been since Austin Powers)
• P-Diddy
• Anything frayed (pant cuffs, visor brims etc.)
• Sponge Bob
• Famous Stars and Stripes (the brand)
• Surfers with bad attitudes
• Youth Groups that do “wacky” things

Things that are “cool”

• Disneyland
• Running without a bunch of equipment
• Green Converse low tops
• V8 vegetable juice
• East coast sugar sand
• Triple strung surf boards
• Jay Leno
• Burrito shops
• It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
• James Taylor
• Anything having to do with Sock Monkeys
• Various neck lines on men’s clothing
• Blogging about things other than yourself
• Getting off work at 3:30 PM
• Bookworm
• The O’Neil stretch (physco) boardshorts
• Big band music
• Vegas
• Doing something substantially new every week
• Drinking from the bottle
• Staying in touch with your cuu’s
• Spirituality (this is not the same as religion)
• 5 o’clock shadows

How much control do you have over your life?

This question was asked last Thursday during the “Nightmare” freestyle set. Prior to masters swimming, if the set to run through it four times, you ran through it four times. But last Thursday Coach O’Brien suggested everyone do it at least twice, three times if you can make it, and four times if you have some control over your life.

What made him say that? Had somebody presented him with an ultimatum recently, and insisted that he would be able to complete it if he had some control in his life? It is hard to know for sure, and at this juncture no longer matters.

What matters is that one single phrase, a phrase worthy of many answers and an equal number of excuses, was able to generate a storm in a number of our hearts. Ready to roll over and play touch-and-go at round two, I got the question stuck in my head again, “How much control do you have in your life?” Well like any of us, I would like to think, quite a bit. Therefore by pushing on through the set I guess I felt like I was proving to my self that whether they like it or not, my body and mind needed to work together. And in unison they did, helping my self and my two lane mates get through the Nightmare set.

We have a choice everyday, in every situation, how we are going to react. By allowing words and phrases to light our fires, the positive outcomes can be limitless.

Who's Who in Robotics

Where Vinnie Chase would say, “I am Queens Boulevard,” Ping Pei would say, “I Pittsburg, PA.”

Ping was born in Hong Kong, China to a hard working set of parents and a small dog. With no brothers and sisters, Ping was forced to either make close friends, or study. Because making friends was tough when all you want to be doing is building robots, Ping chose the later. He worked very hard through grade school and shared his free time with the families’ dry cleaning business and the library. With all his smarts, Ping had one simple pleasure, and that was getting well-to-do Chinese men’s dress shirts as starchy as possible.

Often he could be found sitting in the back of the shop on slow days with pieces of the garment conveyer system strewn about, trying to create a more efficient design. Ping’s father, Kevin Pei, saw the exceptional engineering skills in his son at this ripe age and knew something needed to be done. Kevin and his wife

Seiko dreamed of a place where young Ping could exercise his talents. After much research, the oasis known as Carnegie Mellon was found. One of the top engineering programs in the United States, “Car-uh-gee Meh-run” was Ping’s destiny.

Moving from Hong Kong to Pittsburg, PA was quite a change. The Pei’s found a dwelling in the heart of what one might call the crappy part of town, or skid-row. This was a downtown area that had missed the state funding project and was full of dilapidated buildings and low rent housing. Compared to their Hong Kong digs, this was a definite downgrade; yet the ability to see their son succeed far exceeded material wealth for the Pei’s, and they were happy. Kevin bought two ground level vacancies and the apartments above each. In less that 3 weeks time the building were equipped to provide fast, efficient dry cleaning for a low price, along with the tastes of orient just next door. Both were named Lucky Panda and have proved their name.

Not the hottest spot in town, but far from the worst, Lucky Panda began to see profits. Ping applied for a number of scholarships, many revolving around his love for robotics, high test scores, and minority status. With the help of his smarts, nationality, and parents funds, Ping enrolled that fall at Carnegie Mellon.

He has since struggled to maintain grades, get sleep, work at the dry cleaner and restaurant as a delivery boy, and find time to play Call of Duty 4 for the Play Station 3 console. Currently a b+ student with a+ work, Ping is looking to be the first person to introduce a fully robotic sock monkey.

If you are lucky, you may catch Ping at one of the following locations:

- Carnegie Mellon tutor center

- Lucky Panda sweat shop dry cleaners

- Lucky Panda Take-out/Delivery Chinese Cuisine

- On the bus

- On a bike

- Playing COD4 under the alias WED_AgentScoon

有一美妙的天!

Name: John Stewart

Occupation: Actor

Analytic credentials: None

The only funny thing about John Stewart is that he takes himself so seriously. Some may argue, “No he doesn’t, he’s a comedian!” But don’t be fooled, many comedians have huge egos and Stewart is at the top of that list. With respect to Tina Fey for the observation, Stewart’s Daily show antics get a lot of applause, but not a lot of laughs. Sure, he can rally a crowd. It is pretty easy to rally a crowd of like minded democrats looking to bash President Bush. But do you hear the audience members laugh? No, because they don’t. They applaud because they agree, like any sheep would while listening to their cult leader. His jokes are the same as they have been for the past eight years, and by the time the dilapidated punch line arrives, everyone has already guessed it.

News on a comedy channel is a great idea. It helps those who do not have the attention span to watch a normal broadcast, or read a newspaper, find out what is going on in the world. Because the news events are delivered with a comedic tone, it forces viewers to concentrate on the message so they can get the punch line at the end. This concentration helps a lot of people absorb the material much better than if it were coming from, say, Mike Galanos of CNN. The Daily Show is not a bad design, and it does not have bad intentions. On the contrary, it has a great 22 minute format, with a good variety of newsworthy topics.

What it doesn’t have is class. This class went out the window when Craig Kilborn left the show. Stewart took over with a timid and balanced approach at both world political news, and domestic politics. Once he felt comfortable in his oily skin, he decided to start pushing one-sided agenda. But which side? None other than the side that nearly everyone else in Hollywood runs to. Way to separate your self Stewart. You’re a real individual. Still tolerable up to about four years ago, the Daily show seemed to give a little, and poke fun at the democratic leaders enough to make it fair and balanced. It has since targeted not only Bush and Friends (in many cases likely so) but other respectable republican or libertarian party members just to seem edgy.

The only problem is, the show is no longer hip, it is not edgy, and it doesn’t generate laughter. Around my office (in California) Daily Show supporters are a plenty. I am in my 20’s and feel there are certain things that are popular and well-liked among my demographic. The Daily Show is no longer in that category, as it has moved to the 30-50 crowd. These older men and women, distinguished, are very adamant to let young people know they are hip to the Daily Show, and, “kind of like that other guy after John Stewart.” The only reason it is a “kind of like”, is because Colbert actually has funny jokes (which Joe Sitcom doesn’t follow) and he will sometimes take a non-partisan approach, unlike Stewart. He doesn’t attack parties so much as he does issues and events. J. Sitcom just wants to see the conservative ideals blasted by lies, and enjoys it while eating a steaming bowl of bias.

From the summer of 1998-2003 after morning swim practice I would come home and watch the DS and Dr. Katz. It was a ritual and provided me a well-balanced dose of humor to get the day going. Sadly, not only does Comedy Central no longer air episodes of the good Doctor, but the Daily Show is as weak as the dollar. This coming summer when your kids get home from practice and sadly slump into a chair, remote starting their Nintendo Wii, remember, it didn’t have to be this way. They could be learning about the world in which they live via witty, dry comedy – the way I did.

After these a’messages, we’ll be a’boom, right back!

Fact Friday

In the spirit of the season (Halloween approaches…) fact Friday will list only facts having to do with scary stuff.

• It looks as though SEN Obama will be the next President elect, therefore we will be forced to see the smug mug known as Biden tracing around for the next four years.

• Hocus Pocus is the best Halloween movie ever.
  
• The elderly woman that lives above me has what appear to be wooden teeth. She stomps around at all hours and insists she can hear water running UP the walls (impossible).

• A popular gentleman’s club in Las Vegas will be holding a Sarah Palin look-a-like contest. The $10,000 prize and trip to DC for the inauguration in January is more than enough to turn out some of the countries best talent.
  
• There appears to be a growing number of runners wearing water belts for runs lasting an hour or less.
  
• I believe Norton Hall at USD has a haunted basement. I am pretty sure the basement in the North Complex is also haunted. All basements are haunted.

As it turns out, I can’t think of very many scary facts…so here are some regulars.

• The Han Solo collectors figure was based off Kurt Russell, not Harrison Ford. At the time of merchandise production Kurt was still cast in that role.
  
• This country seems to be suffering from fat butt disease.
  
• Wayne Brady has released a CD and is comparing his musical talents to those of Jamie Fox. I.e. we are in trouble.
  
• Every where around the world, they’re coming to America. This is good and bad, as a lot of them are coming illegally.
  
• Ferraris dote some of the most advanced break calipers in the automotive industry.
  
• It is 8:00 AM and I am ready for a nap.

Bonus Material:

Word or Phrase: Sock Monkey-Style

Sock Monkey-Style can be used in any circumstance where one needs to storm the beach to get something done. If you have been waiting on the sidelines plotting your next move, sniping from the second level of the Bloc without results, or just doing nothing at all, then you need to turn it around with Sock Monkey-Style. SMS allows you to catch people off guard, helping you take quick advantage of your surroundings and opponents. Sock Monkeys are known for their wild, unpredictable behavior. Likewise, SMS users have found that their use of a spontaneous offense in altercations of any sort has paid off big time.

The weekend is yours.

Dear Owner of Black GMC Yukon with the side facing exhaust:

Who would have thought that after 3 months a person could still be upset over an encounter with a bad driver? Driving home from the grind, Monica in the PS, me in the DS, I saw something that I never would have dreamed. I will make it brief:

• Approximately ½ mile from the Acalanes Rd. exit, a woman in a black GMC Yukon (2000-2006) cut me off and proceeded to drive on the shoulder, while on her cell phone (in California this is illegal) all the way to the exit to bypass the traffic.

She drove, on the shoulder, to bypass traffic. Did she drive fast? No. She was in no visible state of emergency; she just didn’t want to obey the law and drive in the driving lanes.

But what amount of time she must have saved (said Mr. Toad)! Toad would be very appalled to hear that by the time I got off at the exit and proceeded down the ramp to the stop light, there she was. We were bumper to bumper.

I have never witnessed something so strange on the road. You see people do weird things, but you can usually figure out why they are doing it. But this chatty soccer mom pulled one for the ages.

And lady, you may have been coming back from the beauty shop getting your mop bleached, but you should probably focus a little more on washing that car.

Hoses to Snakes

With all the talk over natural disasters becoming more frequent; either because of global warming, or “the end times” (LOL!), it got me thinking. What would be the most terrifying, natural-occurring event that I could think of? Well here are a few:

• All garden hoses of the world magically become snakes. Not poisonous snakes, but the constricting kind. Keep in mind, a lot of people use extenders to get to the backyard, creating a hose in excess of 100 feet long!
  
• Sharks spend so much time in shallow waters that evolution forces their ventral side to develop a pair of lean muscular legs. But how will they breathe on land? They will hold their breath while they pull you off of your chase lounge, run back into the water with you, and commence the eating.

I really just wanted to publish the idea of hoses becoming snakes. One night while walking with some buddies the idea came to me that if all the garden hoses in Vermillion turned into snakes we would be in some serious trouble. Think about it.

Denying the Future

What is sadder than seeing a device created with the hopes of brightening the future for mankind, tossed out the window? Nothing.

On May 22, 1998 the Rocket Rods debuted at Disneyland in California. They were ushered into the Tomorrowland family in classic Disney tradition. Celebrities waved, wacky radio show hosts babbled, and enormous crowds stormed the park to see the latest wonder from WDI. But the 5-seater rocket proved to be a costly, un-themed ride with more down time than fun time. By September of 2000 the Rods banked their final turn, announcing that the attraction would go under refurbishment until further notice. I guess further notice means a year and a half later the local paper (OCC Register) would announce the attraction would not reopen. According to the plans, this baby was to stretch all the way to SNA (John Wayne Airport), in all seriousness, at least to Hong Kong Chinese Take-Out of Anaheim.

The music (that you love) heard in the queue was uplifting and told of the great things technological advances in travel can bring. This uplifting tone has been resurrected by Soarin’ Over California in the neighboring DCA, but to a different tune. The conceptual videos shown prior to your high-speed journey were entertaining and inspiring as well. Where there is a will, there is a way. Disney said something similar, “If you can dream it, you can do it.” Someone in Imagineering must have missed the boat because although a lot of dreaming may have been going on during refurb talks, nothing got done.

Who doesn’t miss the sounds of the rubber tires screeching around turns, the electronic blips heard from the platform as far away as the Star Trader, and that one infamous rocket that has been pictured on many occasions holding the maximum weight capacity? Nobody. Everyone misses it.

When I slump into that Buzz Lightyear shoebox of a ride, I get crocodile tears just thinking about what magic once adorned this show building. I imagine sitting on that chair in the middle of the room, watching Hawaiian natives cruising around in canoe-looking catamarans….wait a second, wrong era. What I really imagine is wandering through a room full of past attraction vehicles that have been painted to resemble blue prints, hearing that powerful, charismatic voice reciting information on the Tomorrowland Transit Authority, and slowly climbing the stair case to the launch pad. This level of excitement and anticipation cannot be duplicated.

With that said, Imagineering, you have denied me a great big beautiful tomorrow. You have shown me that improving an already great attraction is more costly than building something completely new. Initially, that was not correct. But in fact, your team of financial experts were 10 steps ahead of me in that your Astro Blaster concept ensures a huge increase in Toy Story related merchandise sales.

So while I sit in my Ikea chair, dreaming of the simplistic minimalist lifestyle of modern Swedes, a salty drop of hope exits my tear duct, travels down my cheek, and disappears. Dear Imagineering, this doesn’t have to be the end. Although the Rocket Rods will not come back, there is still time. For your next trick, do something off the grid. The less relation to a Disney film, the better.

¡Hay una hermosa mañana grandísima, y mañana sea justo un sueño lejos!

Socializing

There was no need for a poor attempt at a clever title. This topic is on social interactions.

You Don’t Have to Drink to Hang: does holding that beer, funny shaped glass, or thimble full of fire water make it easier for your to communicate your point? Do you require a little of the sauce to take the edge off of your otherwise social awkwardness? Better yet, don’t answer those questions. You have been drinking since 11:00 AM? Beer AND shots? No way! You are definitely emitting bad ass vibes right now, that is for sure. Not. Ask your self, if the United States of America readopted the regulations of Prohibition, would you be okay? Would the times you enjoy with friends and family be burdened by the fact that alcohol was unable to play a role in the tone of the atmosphere?

I sure hope not.

Not to say booze doesn’t add an interesting element to some gatherings, but it should not be a requirement. A little experiment: posse up your crew (your drinking buddies) and head not to the bar, but to a café, grill, or location where there is no scheduled entertaining venue. This intimate situation will require communicating while sober and enjoying each others company. Can you hang out here as long as you would at a bar while still finding interest, laughter, and intrigue in the featured topics of conversation?

I hope the answer is yes.

Salary Steve: this guy/girl doesn’t have to be named Steve, I just needed an “s” name. In what way does your salary affect the group you are with? Unless you are specifically asked how much you make, and divulging this information is acceptable to the terms of the conversation, keep this to your self. So you haven’t seen your buddies in a while, you got a promotion, or a pay cut, or you are just out of interesting things to talk about...there is no excuse for discussing your salary in detail with those around you. Whether you make a lot or a little, nobody cares. Money is not why you and your friends have come together, but sadly it can be something that pulls you apart. Further, Salary Steve rarely makes more than those around him.

Pat on the Back: oh you took the stairs instead of the elevator? Excellent my friend, that level of commitment to a more healthy lifestyle is just what the US needs to get back to a healthy weight and energy level. While although it is a good thing that you have chosen a more strenuous way of getting about, those around you do not care that you have braved the stair case. They have probably been doing it since day one. Some of your peers probably even run the stairs, stopping every once in a while to do calf raises. Your small endeavors should be kept to your self, only being revealed when you have some legit results to show for it.

6 out of 7 of your best male friends are secretly, or openly, in love with you? Well Rico, or Rosa Suave, why don’t you have a mate? You have misjudged their friendship for unrelenting lust. If life were a board game, you would have to go back three spaces and loose your next turn. But what? They always listen to your problems? Well maybe they find it particularly fascinating that one person could be that out of touch with reality?

No more explanations needed, just a few examples of what not to do.

Fact Friday

NEW SEGMENT!

Every Friday on Sock Monkey’s surf will now be known as FACT FRIDAY. You can take anything found in the Fact Friday section to the bank.

• In West Oakland, there is no such thing as a missing persons report. If you don’t come home, it is because you’re dead.

• Push-Ups are mainly good for pectorals, triceps, and deltoids. There are other muscle groups that benefit from this exercise, but in an inadvertent way.

• Most “sponsored” t-shirts (surf brands) will shrink when you wash them. So wash cold, don’t dry, and stretch them.
  
• Palin is more qualified than Biden. Obama made a big mistake not asking Hillary to be his running mate.

• The College Humor “Hardly Working” videos are the best source of comedy on the internet, other than BFK

• If you buy a stuffed bear on eBay, it will get lost in a Floridian tropical storm. But if you must, buy in the winter.

• IKEA is known for its low-price contemporary designs, and great hotdog/frozen yogurt lunch

• If someone introduces one of their friends/family members to you and includes, “He/she is a good Christian,” no good can come of it. In what world is that an acceptable character trait to list when introducing people in a work environment? Oh, he’s Christian? And a good Christian? Well now, I guess that excuses the fact that he doesn’t have a college education and will be handling multi-million dollar contracts.
  

• A Philly-Cheese Steak sandwich is not a so much a sandwich, as it is a full on meal.
  
• Never judge a book by its cover. Never judge a person by how they look in a cap and goggles.

• There are approximately 125 different species of monkeys.
  

• Saab vehicles are born from jets.

• Black jeans are very ugly, except on Marissa Tome in My Cousin Vinny.

¡Diviértete este fin de semana!

BART Characters

Riders take heed, this is a nearly complete list of the type of people you will encounter on the Bay Area Rapid Transit system. I say ‘nearly’ because there is always going to be that wacko that breaks the mold. He or she embodies not one of the BART stereotypes, but combines forces to become the strangest of the strange.

Braving the weird, that is what we do when we pass through BART’s triangular plastic doors.

• The Rubber Neck: seated any where on the train, this person is very interested in what you are doing. If you are texting, they are reading them. If you are reading, they are with you page for page. Should you have your laptop open, look out, they are attracted to the LCD glow like mosquitoes to a bug zapper. Their nosiness is not limited to those sitting beside them, no Sir, they need to have a watchful eye on everyone. Their necks have become elastic, evolving over a very short period of time beyond the abilities of normal human beings. These, are the rubber necks.

• Busy Lady: please say you remember the little known commercial spoof from SNL about an on-the-go razor for women? “She’s BIZ-E Lady!” It was a pocket razor that retracted from a lipstick looking device allowing the busy business woman to save time by shaving while on trains, in restaurants, and at board meetings. Although I have not seen anyone shaving on BART, there are plenty of busy ladies. They usually have out a computer and Black Berry, they are in business attire, but are wearing sneakers because they are so busy they need to run from point to point. They usually run onto the train at the last minute, a shoulder bag, a wheeled briefcase, a purse and a Black Berry pinched between shoulder and ear. Rubber Neck sees her coming and jumps for joy, he/she will be able to listen into BL’s calls, see her emails, and probably check out an article or two from her US Weekly.

  
  

• Hard Days Night: smells like beer. This person just hopped on the rails from either a long night, or an early morning. They don’t have to be homeless-looking, but usually are. The Colt 45 aroma from their breath fills the BART cars as they yawn, cough, yack, and pardon you for the time. For some reason, no matter what time you tell him, he is always really disappointed. As soon as you see HDN approaching the car you pray he moves to the next. He never does. You pray he doesn’t notice the empty seat beside you, but he sees it. HDN always ends up right next to you. Usually due to the inebriation, they don’t consider personal space, and do the full leg spread and have no problem rubbing shoulders. But you have a problem with it, and glance around for help. Rubber neck has seen the situation and is keeping a close eye, while Busy Lady is using her hand as a visor over her forehead to keep HDN from making eye contact, something that would distract her from her ‘reports.’ HDN never gets off the train before you; they seem to be riding BART to the end of the line, all the time.

  
  

• Mother Earth: can be found riding this rapid form of transportation when the Prius needs a break, and you will know her from a mile away. Riding public transportation is not enough for her. She needs to show you just how much she cares about the environment. Hemp shoes, earth tones, braided or “free” looking hair, NO electronics (iPod, cell phone, computer, watch, etc.), dream catcher earrings, bushy eye brows, a hemp or canvas reusable grocery sack, and wide leg pants. She smells of incense and has a far off look in her eyes as she dreams of Yosemite and someday moving to Oregon, or Patagonia. She is usually considerate to other people on the train, has good etiquette, and will smile if you make eye contact.

  
  

• Blue Collar, Hard Hat: rides the train for no other reason than the simple fact that he has no other form of transportation, which there is nothing wrong with. He is wearing steel-toe boots with splatters of white paint on them, it is always white. His pants are one of three brands: Dickies, Ben Davis, or Carhart. Lee Jeans if he is really on a budget. He works for a company that contracts out construction workers, so he of course owns his own helmet, knee pads, and thermos. His skin is dark, he has a 2-3 day shadow, usually short hair, and is pooped. He is usually pancake flat down in the seat with a hat or hood pulled down over his eyes. He doesn’t notice Busy Lady, could care less about Rubber Neck (who is quite interested in the appearance of Blue Collar) and has no problem sitting beside Hard Days Night. He may also have a visible injury; commonly a wide area scrape, deep abrasion that is taking forever to heal, or a nylon back support.

• Nearly Def: is a big fan of music that you don’t like. This is no sweat, we all have our things, but the problem is, Nearly Def’s headphones can be heard by everyone in a 3-car radius. Whether it is death metal, rap, emo, or “Bob Dylan, man”, it is annoying. You may like the song in its original context, but played off Nearly Def’s giant Skull-Candy headphones just sounds like garbage. ND may be right next to you, or he may be 10 people down, but either way, he annoys you. He is probably wearing jeans and a sweat shirt. Loose jeans and larger sweatshirts can be associated with rap, and insanely tight jeans, and stripped full-zip sweatshirts can be associated with the emo. Nearly Def usually smells pretty bad.

  
  

• Oldie: has “been riding this thing since September 11, 1972.” She remembers when it only cost a nickel to get any where you wanted on the Fremont line. She really shouldn’t be complaining too much considering she has the green pass, which is available to seniors at 65% off regular price. She either has every article of clothing matching, or is a big scatter of puffy-paint puppies, large stoned necklaces, SAS shoes, beehive wig, and dangly gold earrings. She demands a seat, glares at small children, and smiles at babies. The reason for the baby smiles has something to do with the fact that they are both going through the struggle of diapers…and everyone needs a friend.

• Wheels: commutes to work everyday, and has a bicycle equipped just for the task. His bike has 13 reflectors, 2 led lights, 2 water bottle holders, lots of reflective tape, a cat-eye, tire pump, saddle bag, heavy duty lock, and a name. Old reliable, the bike, is often cursed by other riders due to his need for a tad bit of extra space. He is usually very courteous and tries his best to stay out of others’ way, and just prays for the words, “Next Station, Walnut Creek, Walnut Creek, next station.” That is, if he is a Creeker. He is dressed in clothing with more reflective material and tape, usually a water-wicking fabric with some rooster tail stains in the middle of the back. He may have the pant legs rolled up with Velcro strips keeping the legs away from the pant-eating chain. He leaves his helmet on while riding, and gives everyone something to look at so they don’t have to awkwardly glance around at each other. Rubber Neck loves Wheels. Busy Lady doesn’t like him as much because his tires may rub against her Donna Karen bag and leave a mark. HDN might comment, “Nice bike, I used to have one of those"…

  trailing off into nonsense land.

• Outta Time: has already checked his watch or cell phone clock 6 times since you started reading this description. He or she has an obligation that they have not timed correctly and are becoming more frustrated with every passing second. If the train stops at a station and waits an extra minute for a connecting trains passengers, Outta Time will go ape! There isn’t much to explain here, they are just late and they show it!

Those are the main characters you can count on running into on BART. There are, however, a couple ringers that make appearances on a semi-regular basis:

• Fat guy/girl in electric mobility scooter. This person does not need to be in this chair. They are not handicapped. They are fat. Get your ass out of the chair and walk. Oh, your knees can’t handle your weight? Well neither can I.

• Candy bar salesman. He is usually a young man in his late teens, early 20’s. I have only seem this practice done by African American individuals and it seems to be out of some kind of fundraising opportunity. The classic Snickers, M&M’s, and Butterfingers are priced at $1.50 each. “This ain’t no fun size!” Well that is great sir, but it “ain’t no king size either.” They are selling regular sized candy bars at king size prices. I may as well be at the movies; only the entertainment on BART is much more real, and much scarier.

  
  

*Because I ride BART on occasion my self, I guess it is only fair that I describe my character type:

I am a little of a rubber neck if I see something interesting. You are in a crowded space for 30 minutes and are expected to look down at your shoes? I don’t think so. I also have my bike on BART quite a bit, so could be seen as a version of wheels. A much less reflective version. I am also usually some what anxious to disembark, and am usually en route some where, thus I become Outta Time.

Conclusion: I am a rubber necking guy, with wheels, who is outta time.

Thanks for reading!

You're a Grand Old Flag

Be thankful for what you have. You often here these words when someone presents an image of a life being lived in another place under much more difficult standards. I am on the fence on this issue and I will tell you why. I heard a story about an area of Africa where tribe members travel up to 50 miles, on foot, carrying an injured person over their shoulder to get to a doctor. While at the same time, I complain about time spent in the waiting room because of some dry skin. I am the bad guy, the guy complaining about miniscule ailments while the rest of the underdeveloped world does the proverbial 5 mile hike in 3 feet of snow to work everyday.

The self-righteous will be beating down my door with their fake legs when they read my rebuttal. The United States has done a lot to become what we are today. We have fought wars, signed peace treaties, empowered the good and the bad, incarcerated, released, impeached, pardoned, we’ve done it all. The results reveal the greatest country in the world. Yes, maybe I was lucky enough to have been born in the USA, but my family, relatives, and ancestors were a big part in making this country the great place it is today. Their endeavors resulted in a better future for their families and countrymen. It is the rise from their humble beginnings that has allowed us all to live in a society where there are doctor’s offices in close proximity. They fought for that luxury. Therefore, I am thankful for those who have come before me, and thankful for their efforts in making life in this country that much better. But, I will not compare life in Somalia to my own.

Our ancestors sacrificed everything to ensure those after them can live a little more comfortable. Maybe I am being naive in that the societies of the 50 poorest countries in the world have also done what we have. They have put health, security, and comfort ahead of other things in order to build the necessary foundation for a thriving nation. But after reading a breakdown on a number of impoverished countries, it is clear that they have not. They have fallen victim to religious and racial struggles, trafficking of illegal goods, and what ever other self-destruction you can fathom. We too have had our share of racial disputes, religious debate, and the creation of the FTA, but conclusions we made, and we moved on. So when you hear a story about a 3^rd grade class no longer reciting the pledge of allegiance, don’t worry about. At that exact moment a guy is getting on a bus in a middle-eastern town with enough C4 tucked in his robe to blow him to the moon. He also has a dispute on religion, and is acting the best way he knows how, like an idiot.

The North American continent we reside certainly has its share of idiots. From the doctors who prescribed a heinous BP medicine to my little brother, to the parents who sold their kids on eBay, we’ve made some mistakes. But I feel like the ratio of idiots to the commendable is in favor of the second. I offer only that you think about this the next time someone tells you a story about how bad life is in other places and how lucky you are. Remind that person that you are happy to be here and not there. And that here is better than there for some very good reasons, none of which have anything to do with luck.

I offer that the giving of thanks be to our ancestors, our family, our friends, and to everyone who has helped make this life a better one.

Quick Thoughts

Quick thoughts will be a series of bulleted items that are on my mind. These may eventually span out to become full-blown blog threads at some point should information and interest allow.

• - The ocean: a strange place. It requires patience while waiting for a set; on occasion you will find your self sitting on your plank for 15-20 minutes at a time. Yet it also requires immediate decision making when swells become overbearing.
• - Masters swimming: is a great situation. I just joined the WC Masters and many of the members are former teammates of mine. It is exciting to be getting back into ‘swimming-shape’, a bit frustrating at times, but still great. It just feels like I am starting short course season after a little bit of a break. Some things never change.
• - Brown bears: seem to have larger, or at least more protruding, ears when they are cubs, but by the time they become adults, they are just little stumps. That sentence had a lot of commas.
• - Vermillion: is a fantasyland. This small town in South Dakota has very few similarities with the real world. Prices are lower (except on alcohol), everything is in walking distance and said walks ensure personal safety…unless you are wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, rent is never more than $350/person/month, there is a one-armed man who saved the town from a possible grizzly train wreck, and, most importantly, there is a grand festival every year in mid-October to honor the homecoming celebrations of the University of South Dakota. It is like Mardi Gras, New Years, Sturgis, and the apocalypse all rolled into one. When in Rome…
• - Cliff entry: can be dangerous. California has many great surf breaks, especially in Santa Cruz county. Many of these breaks are accessible from beaches with a short paddle out, but some points must be accessed by either a leap from a cliff into the water, or a trek down one of the sea-sprayed, moss covered staircases. The walk up and down the steps is not so bad as compared with timing of going out and coming in. Watch the waves for a good couple of minutes, your patience here can help to avoid possible fatal injuries as well as broken boards.
• - Todd Packer: is the most beloved character on NBC’s The Office, a sitcom entering its 5^th season airing on Thursday evenings. Check your local listings for times. The problem is, he was not seen at all in season 4, with only a mention of his existence in a deleted scene. Packer can do anything, so bring him back! I recently saw an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where the righteous Todd F. Packer played Joseph in a Christmas nativity scene. Who better for the role, right?
• - Avocados: are the best. There really is no other food that consistently satisfies my hunger. They are on a super sale at Safeway this week, starting today 9/24/2008 for I believe 3 days. 97 cents a pop friends! I believe Safeway carries Hass, and some other organic grand that does not qualify for the sale.
• - Sarah Palin: seems like a good enough VP from the outside. By this I mean looks. But we have a problem. Apparently she was an active voice in getting a number of books banned from scholastic libraries at Wasilla grade schools. This is unacceptable to me, along with her pro-life stance. Pull up a list of the banned books, although the titles of the books she requested be banned are not available, the universal list of all books banned in the US from grade school libraries can be found to include those omitted by Palin.
• - The Oakland Raiders: are like 28^th on the ESPN power poll. This is not a good thing. All it would have taken was a W last week, way to stay hunger throughout the game fellas.
• - The Yankees: did not make it into post-season. This hasn’t happened since 1993. No comment here, just pretty interesting. I will learn more of this situation over the DDAYS weekend from one B. Boyer.

Thanks for the read!

Blind Guy

Blind Guy

Lafayette California is home to many things; a median house price of 1.4 million dollars, Eddie Money, Postino, and a police department trying to qualify for the Indy 500. One lesser known staple of my town is a blind man that makes a trek from the BART station to his dwelling located above the Veterans Memorial building.

Vital Stats (assumed):

Age: 52-65

Gender: Male

Height: 5’11”

Weight: 170-190

Hair Color: Gray

He always has a couple of things with him: coffee cup which he refills at the Starbucks adjacent to the Round Up, red-black-gray North Face daypack, and his trusty Long Cane (or White Cain). All of the above mentioned items have reflective tape haphazardly (respectively) attached. He seems like a nice guy, as most quiet people do. I have only met a couple of blind individuals in my lifetime, and none were talkers. It goes without saying, that I have yet to speak to this man. But I would like to.

I normally greet passersby while walking places with a “Hey”, “Hey, how ya’ doin’”, or sometimes a nod if I am feeling particularly jerky that day. So my desire to say hello to this gentlemen is not only out of curiosity as to his story, but also because I feel awkward just passing by without a word. He hears my footsteps, I am sure the wind swishing by is felt, and he probably hears me whistling or humming. On edge, he awaits the greeting. It doesn’t come, and he continues on his way. “Big surprise,” he probably says to himself, not able to think when the last stranger said hello in passing.

But alas, a finger of blame cannot be pointed. There is no common sense, standard approach to making small talk with a blind person. So much of their sense of direction is based off that cane, and their since of hearing. If people are running around saying “hello” and “how ya doin, pal”, our blind friends are bound to become very confused. Or so it seems to me.

Which leads me to my dilemma; how to greet a blind person without putting them in danger or causing too much confusion?

Please help!

The Generic Backpack

The generic backpack can be found in many places, schools, airports, coffee shops, even the work place. Not that there is anything wrong with the generic backpack in itself, but what is wrong, is that it usually mimics, at first glance, a North Face bag. The dream of all generic backpacks is to be confused with one of the many variations of the North Face daypack.

As I have not done thorough enough research, I will make any generalizations about the actual wearers/users of subject pack.

So what do they look like?

• Color: Generic Backpack (GB for short) usually comes in similar colors to the original North Face packs. Bright reds, royal and cobalt blues, taxi cab yellow, alpine green, and white. Rarely solid, GB will usually have a mix of 3 colors; black will be dominant, then you have the standout color (red, blue, etc.) and some accents or “billows” will be a gray or silver. Warning, there may also be some reflective material. GP will not have a very big logo, because it doesn’t want you to know that you are looking at an imposter. Little does he know, you are becoming hip to the procedure.
• Texture/Composition of material: Usually some blend of canvas/nylon. You are likely to find some elastic cords with some cheap toggles attached. Try and put a water bottle or towel in one of these and you will note that they are purely cosmetic and can accompany 1 banana at best without threatening the integrity of the stitching (we will get to stitching later). The carrying handle varies by quality of GB, all depending on where you have purchased it. In many cases, it is reinforced with plastic or maybe some tire-looking rubber. This may be the strongest point on GB, that being said, when the pack fails on you, this will be all you have left of your old friend.
• Features: The drawstring on the back for, “EVEN MORE STORAGE!” has already been addressed. North Face is known for their side mounted water bottle holders. Usually made of mesh or solid canvas, sometimes with drawstrings on top if you have chosen to show something else. GB jumped right on this feature, but with great demise. The mesh will develop holes immediately, causing anything more narrow than an apple to plummet to certain death. GB never makes these out of canvas. They may add the drawstring and toggle, but unlikely. If they do, it will be just as cheap as strap number one on the back. My favorite, the reinforced bottom. You come in to class, slump the pack onto the ground, slide it across the ground, drop it on some jagged rocks in Bryce Canyon, and your safe because you know the bottom is “reinforced.” Yes it is if you have spent the proper dollars. But with GB, again, no such luck. GB has what looks like “self material” (another layer of the majority material sewn over) on its rear end. This is does no good, it just means the sides will wear out first.
  
• Problem areas: Zippers. They will do that thing where they zip what is in front, but all of the sudden behind, where it should be sealed, it is coming open! I don’t exactly what to call this event, but anyone who has ever worn something other than a kimono knows what I’m talking about. This will happen during the first week or two, if not, maybe even opening day. Holes commonly appear near zipper resting points on these bags, more so depending on the use. Straps. Generic is loaded with straps. If you needed an instant straight jacket for some reason, you may actually want GB by your side. You could trap Houdini in one of these bags. They have the shoulder straps, the “seat belt”, and a number of other useless tie-downs that are also of poor quality. Lining is a big issue. Most great bags will coat the inside of the pockets, especially wells that may end up holding liquids, with some type of Polyerthane to keep the material from becoming saturated and corrode. GB says, unnecessary.

Now you know what they look like, but can you spot one from a distance?

Just look for holes, look for that zipper thing where it is held together only at the clamp, and look for straps. Look for the draw strings to be ripped and exposing the white elastic threads. Most of all, look for the person using GB to be treating him with utter disregard.

These packs can be found at, but are not limited to, the following stores: Kmart, Wall-Mart, Target (higher quality), and Supermarkets around back to school time.

Spend a few extra dollars, and have your pack be there for you for the rest of your life. Most great packs come with a lifetime warranty.

Thanks for reading!

Half-Marathon 2008 Complete

At 7:50:57 AM on Sunday August 31, 2008 I finished my second half-marathon. The feeling of running for 13.1 miles at your best possible average, crossing the finish line, and coming to a complete stop to remove your runner’s chip was unreal. I really thought I was going down for the count. Not because I was sore or especially tired, but from the rapid decrease in heart-rate combined with blood rushing to completely different areas. I think people take recreational drugs to achieve that feeling.

I am using this is a log of sorts, I want to document where I was during the race, and where I need to be the next time.

5K: 00:24:40 (NET) @ 5K Pace 7:56 , Predicted 01:43:59.00

10K: 00:49:16 (NET) @ 10K Pace 7:55 , Predicted 01:43:46.00

15K: 01:15:39 (NET) @ 15K Pace 8:06 , Predicted 01:46:10.00

13.1 mi. Half-Marathon: 01:50:57 (NET) @ Finish Pace 8:27

*Courtesy of Disney’s Wide World of Sports

Note the paces, I went a second faster per mile on the second 5K, and then on the third 5K I went 11 seconds slower. I then proceeded to finish the race 21 seconds slower per mile. Up to the 15K I have no problem with that deviation, but the last 3 miles needed to be faster, maybe even the last 4. When I look back though, I don’t know if I could have run any faster that day. I dropped about 28 minutes from last year and am excited about that!

What made it better? Preparation, diet, sleep, hydration, support…all good things. Having Monica there made a great difference! It is nice to have someone cheer for you, especially for an hour and fifty-minute race. It’s funny, I had the iPod on, but can’t recall any of the songs that played. I believe the emotion and competitiveness takes over and phases out the need for a listening device.

I think running the 5K the day before made a big difference in that it got me nice and loose for the big day. There are a lot of things to point out along the way, but I will leave those out, hopefully convincing some to compete in this race next year and find out for yourself!

I have a few goals for next year:

- Get more friends/family to run

- 1:40:00-1:43.00 (this number will become more absolute as we get closer)

- No jammed toe nails

- Less nipple chaffing

- Fast finish

7:37.68 is my goal mile pace for 13.1 miles for 2009

On another note, I look forward to running more races this year in the between time. My next race will be the Lafayette Reservoir 10K which is basically right on my street! I am looking forward to doing more a sprint, although there are quite a few hills on this course.

Thanks for reading and for all your support!

Blood Pressure

Blood Pressure

**This blog is solely intended as recreational reading material.

The internet is littered with stories of inaccurate blood pressure readings. From the self-test machines at the grocery store, to the home kits, even the equipment in your own doctor’s office could be outdated or not functioning properly. These inconsistencies in ratings can sometimes confuse people into thinking that they may have fluctuating high/low blood pressure or even a condition like Hypertension. It is said that 1 in every 4 people have high blood pressure, and about 1/3 of those people don’t know it. There are numerous reasons why this may be, some of those being the patient has not had regular check-ups, they have relied on shoddy equipment, or the doctor, or in most cases physicians assistant, has neglected to notice a slow but steady rise the patients blood pressure over time.

What ever the reason for receiving inaccurate blood pressure ratings may be, it can easily be corrected.

What may not be easy, is finding out your blood pressure is too low or too high, and trying to bring it down to normal (120/80mmHg). Most people have blood pressure levels that rise and fall, but within safe ranges. A “normal” systolic (blood pressure while the heart beats while pumping blood) number would be 120. A “normal” diastolic (blood pressure while the heart is at rest, filling with blood) number would be 80.

Prehypertension 120-139/80-89

Stage 1 Hypertension 140-159

Stage 2 Hypertension 160+/100+

(the above numbers apply to 18-over adults without serious short term illnesses)

As said before, most people have blood pressure measurements with a slight variance based on a number of variables. Some of which would be diet, whether or not they smoke and/or drink, exercise patters, stress levels, and weight.

My reason for this topic today is that I have been a victim of mixed readings. I have been to the doctor a number of times over the past few months as I had a small surgery to remove an M&M-Mini sized cyst on my left shoulder. My blood pressure was taken 4 times over about 3 months and came back normal every time at the doctor’s office. However, when I took it at the local grocery store in Vermillion, SD a couple years ago, it came back high, in the prehypertension range. I thought nothing of this, as I have never been told by any medical professional that I suffer from HBP. Faulty machine, I thought. Last Friday (8/22) I tested my BP at the grocery store again, to find I was border line prehypertension and Stage 1.

Fridays supermarket reading came as a shock as I was just tested 3 weeks ago prior to surgery with normal results. It is hard to know which results are more accurate, the machine at Safeway, or the arm cuff in the doctor’s office. I am going to go with the arm cuff reading, not because I am trying to ignore a potential problem, but because of the massive amounts of information I have read on reputable medical websites with regards to faulty supermarket readings.

Another interesting point to add, my heart rate is very low (this is healthy). I have the second lowest resting heart rate of anyone I have ever known, second only to Timothy J. Byers, formerly of Billings, MT, currently residing on Colorado.

I have arrived at my point and reason for the article. Whether you have been tested and proven to have HBP or you just think you do because of a supermarket BP tester, or you have a “normal” 120/80 reading every time, there are certain lifestyle habits that should be practiced to ensure a long, healthy life. There are far too many to count, let alone sift through the rumors, but here are a few I found interesting:

Ways to keep HBP at bay (non-medicinal):

- 30 minutes or more of exercise everyday, no less, no matter what (endurance and resistance). This exercise may lead to lowering the amount of mercury in your blood by as much as 10mmHg, the same amount as some medicines will.

- Calcium, Potassium, Magnesium. Eat plenty of foods rich in the previous mentioned sentence, taking supplements if necessary. Some of said foods: avocados, bananas, cantaloupe, honeydew melon, grapefruit, nectarines, oranges, asparagus, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, green peas, potatoes, and squash. Foods rich in magnesium include nuts, rice, bananas, potatoes, wheat germ, kidney and lima beans, soy, and molasses.

- Garlic supplements. They are great for lowering blood pressure in some, and can also have positive effects on cholesterol.

- Don’t add salt! When you sit down with your burger and fries, or pesto ravioli, eat it as is. Garnish with chives or something lower in sodium.

- Don’t ever smoke, rarely drink, and avoid caffeine whenever possible.

I have decided to do the following no matter what. It starts today (8/25/2008). I workout regularly, not every single day, but always for more than 30 minutes. I eat most of the above mentioned potassium-rich foods, but not enough. I don’t take garlic or any other supplements at the moment. I ALWAYS add salt, and this I will no longer be doing. I don’t smoke, I rarely drink, but I do enjoy caffeine. There have been many studies that show caffeine, in the right doses, can increase endurance training ability (the exercise I like to do). Problem is, it does nothing for workout recovery.

I have plenty of room for improvement and intend on getting in the game starting today. I will, however, be consuming some caffeine in some form, probably coffee, prior to the half-marathon.

Thanks for reading!

6.3 Days

Today is August 21, 2008

It is 2:47 PM PST

In less than 7 days I will be INSIDE Disneyland!

Monica and I are leaving from OAK at 6:30 AM and will be arriving at LAX at 7:50 AM. From there we will be taking the Disneyland shuttle bus to the Anaheim Marriott Suites to off load our gear in our king suite. Some time between 10:00 AM and 11:00 AM we will be walking beneath either the right or left stage archway into the Park.

“Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow and fantasy”

That sign does a great job pre-gaming what is to come. We will pass under that sign, more than a dozen times before the trip is over, a handful of those times will likely be in mid-stride as we pound the pavement in our running races. The 5K and half-marathon sponsored by Disneyland are the primary reasons for the trip. But then again, we entered the race because of the location.

“So double jeopardy, we’re fine.” –Michael Scott

There is something about Disneyland that draws out a lot of emotions and feelings that otherwise have been buried by age. As you get older, things that excite you, scare you, make you happy, make you sad, concern you, and are dismissed by you, change quite a bit. This is good and bad as with age comes greater responsibility, and in most cases a little more stress. For me, Disneyland has been a time machine of sorts. Yes, it has Adventureland, Frontierland, and Critter Country which take you into the fast in a visual sense. But the park as a whole has been able to keep me young and positive. The perimeter has been built up by structure and nature to keep the outside out and inside in. It confines you, yet frees you - a dilemma rarely duplicated.

By entering a world of yesterday, you can imagine what life would have been like for an old miner caught on a run-away train. In Tomorrowland you careen through the galaxies on Space Mountain and hope for the future. The fantasy element doesn’t seem trapped in a single land, but has been allocated to the Park as a whole. This world (Disneyland), on Earth, although unlikely, would be ideal in my mind.

As far as I know, I’ve never been sick at Disneyland. I am not sure what this means, besides the fact that if there were vacancies I would be setting up shop! There are smells associated certain attractions that my brother Ryan (the Cos) could attest to. We catch random whiffs during our daily commute and think, “that smells like Indy,” or, “that is the smell of the black rubber bumpers on the Peter Pan lap bar.” To know a place so well that you are privy to its smells even when your are miles or even states away, says something. Whether that something is that you are too involved, possibly a little nuts, or that you have just found a place you really belong, it is all good stuff.

We have an ETA of 6.3 days, or 144 hours, or 8,640 minutes. I have been looking at it as being so close, and yet so far. But the bottom line is, I am too excited to sleep!

Whacky-Gator

You know the game: 5 plastic alligators hiding in small nooks, rolling out and rolling back, hoping they don’t get crushed by a mallet or eager fist. The communication between these gators is silent, but effective. There must be some kind of meeting at night when they are powered down to stand-by. “Cranky, today you are going to roll out first. I know this means your chances of getting smashed are about 99%, but it’s the way we live, for the good of the group.” This planning ensures than no gator gets punished more than another.

A while back I had a dream that would forever change my perception of this once innocent game. I was at Disneyland in the original Starcade (the two story monstrosity of games circa 1994?) playing some of my favs when I saw Whacky-Gators aglow in the far corner near the now exit of Space Mountain. The high scores from the day before were flashing on screen and, like most Whacky-Gators games, the mallet seemed to be missing.

I strolled over to the machine, jingling my quarters as I approached, making sure the gators knew what was about to go down. Prior to making my fifty-cent deposit, I assessed the gators for any damage. Lightly pressing down upon their jaws to ensure I would score points for each and every direct hit, my excitement began to boil! After finding good foot position and the proper hand height, I inserted the quarters. The illuminated back board counted down, finally, the word “start” lit up red, and it was time to whack some gators.

The game play part of the dream was a blur or out-of-this-world quickness. My hands flew over, smashing the gators with just enough force to score. “Ow, ow, ow ow, ow, ow, ow ow ow,” and so on. Then, just like clock work, all five gators shoot back into their nooks. To someone not familiar with the game, they might think this was the conclusion and would shift their gaze to the score board. This would be an amateur move, as it is common knowledge to most that the gators have no become very angry. “NOW I’M ANGRY!” The bellowing call could be heard for miles. I thought I knew what would happen next. I thought Gators 1-5 would simultaneously burst from concealment for one last go-around.

Burst from concealment they did, but whatever device retaining them in the internal workings of the machine gave way and the gators launched towards me! I suppose after years of being allowed a 4-inch advancement and 4 inch reverse, one would become a little antsy, but this was just an arcade game, right? Wrong. I dove to the ground and covered my vulnerable areas as the plastic gators clamped their decal teeth down on anything they could find. Fortunately for them, in the dream, I was wearing Under Armor, and there weren’t many ripples of fabric for them to bite on to.

The gators were in a frenzy! Rolling around in all directions, popping wheelies, spinning donuts, power sliding into other machines, it was chaos and I was surrounded. Finally, with eyes tightly shut, I heard them stop. I peeled an eye to see what had caused the seize fire and didn’t see a gator in sight. Then I heard a sound coming from the Whac-A-Mole machine. The squad gators had tore off the mallet for the game with their plastic dentures and had mounted it atop a select gator. I knew I was done for. All I remember is seeing the gator-mounted mallet careening towards me.

I woke up in a pool of sweat with the sheets curled up in a ball between my clenched fists. For the next couple days I could be found on edge at the slightest sound of wheels rolling across the ground. I tried to go grocery shopping but as you can imagine, that trip ended pretty quickly.

By the time I returned back to Disneyland, the upper level of the Starcade had closed and the only other Whacky-Gator machine, the one located in Critter Country, had been auctioned off at a Disneyana event.

I feel much safer when visiting the park these days.

Selfish Stall

My freshman year in college I was a rogue sort, a stranger in an unknown town. Vermillion South Dakota is an interesting place, I plan on describing it in better detail soon. Living in a town in the far south-east corner of South Dakota of approx.10,000 people, I thought this was the last place this could happen. Maybe at the Special Olympics it could happen, or a hospital, but not in Vermillion.

In the middle of a criminal justice cram session most likely, I felt the sudden urge of an impending bathroom visit. I raced down to the lobby restroom in I.D. Weeks (the library) and found 2 stalls. One was the standard next-door neighbor stall to urinal (although it is a stall, it is usually just used by people who have public restroom urination anxiety and need the privacy walls, thus has a pee-soaked seat that cannot be cleaned with standard issue toilet paper) the other, the spacious handicapped facility.

There was no question as to which stall I would use. Locking the door I remembered one of the few draw backs of the handicapped unit, bowl height. Because of the transition from wheelchair to seat, this bowl is about four to six inches higher up than the standard. Not a huge function problem, it just makes things a little less comfortable for anyone 5’10” or shorter.

The restroom was empty and very silent. So silent, that you could hear the automatic air freshener eject a small puff of fragrance every minute, or so. Then the door opened. I listened for feet but heard nothing. He must have been in mid-coast. Now, I have been using these handicapped stalls for ages and have never even contemplated the possibility of what you are about to hear happening. I was like a blind man, all of the sudden my sense of hearing was heightened dramatically and I was on edge. I heard the wheels rolling across the caulk gaps in the tiled floor. He was getting closer and seemed to be speeding up.

The rest of the account will read exactly as it happened:

The wheelchair bound individual rolled up to the stall door, tested the handle to see if it was actually occupied as there where very few students at USD in wheelchairs. I saw his eye straining to look through the crack. It caught mine. My embarrassed, ashamed eye. He responded, “DAMNIT!” Rolling out as quickly as he had come, I slunk back down from my rigid posture.

I hope everything worked out for the guy. I know through the Student Union (CSC) there were two other men’s rooms, both equipped with handicapped stalls that I am sure would be available to him, but as we all know, the amount of time he had was probably limited, and rolling through a crowded area could easily use up those precious seconds.

Needless to say, I am a changed man. The chance of a reoccurrence is rare, but I can’t risk it. Unless it is an absolute emergency, I steer clear of these spacious mini-mansion stalls, and unless you are rolling on 12” pneumatics, I suggest you do the same.

Thanks for Reading!

Disney's Immunity

Theme parks all over the United States are hit hard by the economic downturn. Southern California and Central Florida theme parks lower admission prices with the hopes of attracting more guests, while Disney theme parks continue with their annual price increases. This may appear overly-ambitious on Disney’s part, but after looking at the financial report, makes perfect sense.

The first Disney theme park opened in 1955 in Anaheim California amongst a sea of orange groves. Admission price on opening day, $1.00 US. By 1958, 15 million people guests had passed beneath the railroad bridge leading into Disneyland. Ticket pricing increased steadily with the US rate of inflation over the years. Ticket books became available where guests could purchase A, B, C, D, and E tickets for appropriate attractions. In 1982, a year before I was born, ticket books were done away with and admission price included unlimited access to all rides and attractions. Cost of admission in 1982, $12.00. In 2000, 18 years later, a ticket to ride would run you $41.00, the first increase in a number of years from $39.00.

Now it is 2008 and the price of a 1-day park-hopper admission ticket at the Disneyland Resort is $94.00. To be honest, a $53.00 increase over the course of 8 years does not really coincide with the standard US level of inflation based on the previous trends in rate hike-ups. Not sure if hike-ups is a word, but I was tired of writing “increase.”

The point is, without fail, Disneyland tickets will continue to go up and up. The thing is, it doesn’t matter. Well, it might matter to a large family on a fixed budget, but to a Disneyland enthusiast you get what you pay for. Friends from foreign lands are benefiting from the weak dollar and are coming to United States Disney theme parks in drones. It is said that foreign guests at Disney theme parks are out-spending Americans 2:1 and are out-spending annual pass holders 4:1 once inside the gates.

The proof is in the pudding friends. Take right out of USA Today, “But Disney's parks in California and Florida are somewhat resilient to the slowing U.S. economy since they're destinations for tourists from around the world, and benefit from the weak dollar that has boosted overseas travel to the U.S.”

So while the economy bumps along behind the horse, taking a dive every couple yards, Disney shows a 5% increase in overall theme park sales from last year, breaking $3 billion in parks and resorts. For a corporation of Disney’s size, not to mention sprawling media endeavors, being immune to the poor economic state of the Nation is no small feat.

Thanks for reading!

No specific topics today, just a few observations.

West Oakland, CA (37°48' North, 122°15' West) is a strange place. There are certain societal norms and common sense practices that have been rejected in this part of town:

• One might think shower caps are meant to be worn in the shower, or while creating prescription drugs in a laboratory. This would be a misconception, as young men in West Oakland adorn shower caps in place of helmets while riding bicycles. In their defense, it was the one and only cloudy days we have seen in California since May, and due to the chance of impending rain, he may have been trying to protect his perm. Unlikely though.
• Another confusing daily occurrence: walking down the middle of the street (not crossing it parallel to traffic, but in line with traffic) with absolute disregard for motor vehicles. Citizens of West Oakland also seem to be frightened of loosing their pants and shoes. You will almost always see members of the male sex holding their pants in the crotch region in efforts to keep their pants at a specific height, even when stationary. They will also tie their shoes together and sling them around their necks, just to ensure safety from the shoe-thieves sneaking in their window in the middle of the day to take their Reeboks. This kind of activity seems to be most present near the Millennia Market.
• Other less common, but equally strange happenings: While driving to the bank I saw a young man on the corner trying to sell 3 or 4 folding metal chairs. You know the ones, usually set up at events when extra seating is needed. Where did he get these? He would approach stopped cars at traffic lights in attempts to sell or barter these babies. Unreal, yet very energetic, possibly a good sales person if his merchandise wasn’t lifted from a middle school graduation ceremony. While arriving at the BART station a man asked me, “Bills (this was the nickname he had chosen for me) do you have any toothpicks or things like that?” While I am an avid watcher of COPS, I had no idea what this guy could have possibly needed toothpicks, or things like that, for? Unfortunately, I was fresh out of toothpicks, leaving this gentleman unable to build his toothpick and marshmallow geometric figures.

All joking aside, Oaktown is in dire need of help. While the state has poured money in the Market region of San Francisco surrounding AT&T Park and flooded the area with police officers, Oakland, specifically west of downtown to the ports, and right up to the Emeryville border has been completely neglected. Get Oakland back on its feet. To do this, take a leaf from SF and NYC. Money plus police equals improvement.

Thanks for reading!

Line-Up

My Experience in Northern California Line-Ups:

Age plays a large role in the attitude of the surfers lined-up in Northern California. The younger grooms will either be outlandishly obnoxious, or they will be silent as a mouse. Surfers considered peers, roughly around the same age, can also go one of two ways: either very friendly, or very competitive. As the ages increase, though, so does consideration and overall friendliness. I am not asking that surfers need to respect one another; they just need to have the same common courtesy that is implied in other sports, hobbies, and daily life. Respect is a whole different matter, achieved through knowledge and attention to the rules of the line-up, and experience.

Tensions mount in the crowded areas, especially when the ripples are first seen on the horizon. There is a semi-frantic scatter as the pegs in the water align to where they believe the waves will break. This scene seems to be consistent with non-beach breaks where the water is deep and the sets come and go in 5-15 minute intervals when the tide is low. Although people get pretty fired up, your chances of being called out for wave snaking or duck-diving right into another fellas crotch are slim unless you are in an area dominated by locals. Local surf spots are named for what they are. If you are a local, with knowledge of the conditions, and have manners, despite your skill level, you can surf there. If you are not a local, but have knowledge of the conditions and good surf etiquette, your allowance of a spot in the line-up is determined by your skill level. If you catch a wave not previously spoken for, ride it without hooting at your self, and gracefully disembark, you will have earned the right to stay. It’s that simple.

For those unsure what I mean by manners, as a courtesy to my self and all the other pegs in the water out there, please follow the below link to a great read on surf etiquette:

http://www.surfinghandbook.com/surfing-etiquette.html

One think to keep in mind, surfers come from all walks of life. While surfing in Pacifica, south of San Francisco, north of Half Moon Bay, Pedro Point to be exact, I saw a 2006 Porsche Boxster type-S with a custom built surfboard rack on the roof. On the same trip I also bumped into a guy by the wash-off with a board mount on the side of his bike and a dog that was exactly half German Sheppard and half Alaskan Husky. In Santa Cruz, half way between Cowell’s Cove and The Lane in the paddle over, I met a guy on 10’4” balsa wood surfboard who happened to practice medicine in Orinda. Not to say there aren’t real surfers out there referring to there hombres as “bras” and making up random non-sense replacement lingo for perfectly good surf terminology, but be on the defensive, most of these guys are bogus and live in Iowa.

It is August 5, 2008 and south swells are en route to Santa Barbara county shoreline as we speak. As for central to northern California, I can’t wait for fall.

Thanks for reading.

Half Marathon - loose comment

First Blog 8/4/2008

I ran the Disneyland Half-Marathon last year. Prior, I had only competed in sprints, and one 5K for MS when I was 15 where I was able to draft off my Dad. I signed up for the race in the late spring, thinking by the end of the summer (Labor Day weekend) I would be running 10 miles a day and ready for the 13.1 mile race. As it turned out, I was wrong in that my longest run may have totaled 3.5 miles, but right in that I would be ready for the race.

At 4:15 am my alarm went off. I had gone to bed a little after 2:00 am following the closing of Disneyland that night and a conversation with Monica. I hopped out of bed, pinned my bib to my shirt, and snagged the tram outside the hotel to the starting line. The energy at the stanchions was insane, 13,000 people. And it was only 4:50 am. Every make and model of running shoe, pedometer, mp3 player and water belt. My gear: blue Adidas sweat band, Terrapin Swimming tank-top, blue Nike shorts (commando), Road Runner socks, Asics Kayano 13, and a Creative Labs mp3 player. Other than the socks and shoes, I was amateur status all the way.

My training seemed irrelevant at this point. The amount of sleep I had gotten over the last 2 weeks, miniscule. Hydration level, unimportant. Actually all of the fore mentioned items were very important, I just figured it didn’t matter for me, as I usually do with these kinds of things. The week and a half prior to the race I did very little running, and not because it was part of my taper, in fact, it was probably pretty consistent with the whole summer. I had some hands-on training with fire equipment, Monica and I drove back to South Dakota to get her settled in for her Senior Year of College (1650+ miles), and many other errands to run prior to flying down to LA for a little vacation. I tried to hydrate, but as I have never really liked the taste of water, had a hard time keeping up with 16 glasses/day requirement of runners pre-marathon. I had gone to bed past 12:00am and woken up around 5:00am for the last 4 days leading up to the race. Training wise, an accurate mileage account cannot be provided, nor even an estimate. No, the closest guess would have be about 2-3 miles, 2-3 times a week tops, no hills or speed training.

Now you have an idea of my preparation. I was running in Corall 3, group C. This was basically the back of the pack as I did not have an entry time. The race began promptly at 6:00 am. The reason for the early start was the weather. LA is hot in the summer. That is probably the only way to put it. None of the course is shaded, other than the passage beneath Sleeping Beauty’s Castle. The day before the run, it was 106 degrees Fahrenheit, mid-day. They were expecting 100+ temperatures by 8:00 am race day. I felt insane leaving the starting line and ran with zero-discomfort for about 4 miles. I don’t really recall when I got tired, but I know my pace slowed around mile 4. The race was fun, a lot of people to pass as I was in a pretty slow starting spot. I averaged a little over 9:30 miles most the way with some 10’s in the end. 10 minutes to run a mile? If someone told me when I was in middle school that I would run a 10 minute mile I would have laughed, and probably quoted Beavis and Butthead or something. My PR in the mile is 5:02. I ran it in 7th grade, and ran that same time again Junior year in High School. I finished with a time of 2 hours, 18 minutes, and 30-something seconds. Temperature at finish, 103 degrees.

I crossed the line, put on the space blanket, and ate a banana and bagel. They took the pictures with our medals, I turned in my Race-Chip, and sat on ground with my Powerade. It was nice to be done. It felt pretty good to have run that distance and not poop my pants as some do. After napping in my King Suite at the Anaheim Mariott Suites and taking a shower, I headed back to the Park (Disneyland) to enjoy the rest of my vacation. My legs were shot but I had an awesome time. Over the next 3 weeks I endured some pretty sharp knee pains. I had a doctor look at them and he gave me some stretches to do to help strengthen those areas. I did them, and now they are strong.

It is now August 4, 2008, 8:46 am, and I am less than 30 days away from the race. I have done a little speed work, a lot of hills, pace training (thanks to my new pace watch), and distance training. My runs are usually in distances of 3mi, 4mi, 5mi, 6mi, and yesterday 9 miles. I may not be training at race distance, but very few people do. And I have been consistent, with little breaks here and there. My mile pace varies between 7:30-8:15. This is the biggest difference from last year. Yesterday I averaged between 7:30 and 8:50 for 9 miles and felt good enough to spend a couple hours wandering around at the mall. I’ve got a goal time for the upcoming half-marathon of 1 hour and 52 minutes. This is a 9:03/mile pace. This year I am running with the Cliff Bar 2 HR Pace group, and plan on leaving the group at about half way to get that 1:52.

Bottom line, I’m too excited to sleep.

Kyle